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May 17, 2009


Dear White Tic Tac,

Oh white Tic Tac, how you amaze me. I do not know what flavor you are. Are you spearmint? Are you peppermint? No. You're the white tic tac. A completely distinct flavor.

Sometimes, I think you're vanilla. But only for a second, because by the time I think, "Oh this is vanilla," your vanillaness has moved on, trickled away. It's like your initial sweetness was a preparation for the next stage of the mint. You're good. You care about me.

Why is it that you're so much better than any other Tic Tacs? And why do I fool myself into thinking perhaps I'll like the green ones? Or God help me, the red ones? It's because you're humble, yet confident. You know that the moment I pop a green one in my mouth, I'll think "Wait, these aren't the white Tic Tacs" and I'll regret it for the next 5 seconds of my life, which is precisely how long it takes to eat a Tic Tac (unless you bite into it prematurely).

And then I come running back to you.

You don't fear the other flavors. Not even Orange. You know that Orange is not really a mint. Just a tiny candy that serves no breath-freshening purpose. A Luden's Cough Drop for the mint world. But you, you're everything. I'd eat you as a mint or a candy. I'd eat you for lunch. I'd bathe in you.

Your dominance in the mint department fills me with respect and admiration for the Tic Tac company for creating such a flavor. How have the Altoid people not figured out your secret? How do you escape their grasps?

To prove my devotion to you, I've enclosed a letter I recently wrote to the Altoid people, mocking their obvious failure. Please reference.

Dear Altoid People,

You are all sorry excuses for mint makers. But I'm sure already know that.

Go ahead. Try and replicate the white Tic Tac. Oh, you can't? That's fine. At least you can take solace knowing that your mints are curiously strong. But they're also curiously not white Tic Tacs, so who cares?

I bet that half of your budget is spent on a team of scientists trying to figure out the sheer genius of the white Tic Tac. "What makes the white Tic Tac tick?" you must all ponder.

Don't waste your time. Your best bet for recreating that beautiful flavor is purchasing a box of white Tic Tacs, grinding them into a powder, and reshaping them like the pepto bismol-like hockey pucks you push on us in your fancy, yuppie-geared tins.

I'll see you in hell.
Dan Abramson

But don't worry, white Tic Tac. I won't let the Altoid people hurt you. I'll protect you from those monsters. Just continue to keep me happy and fresh.

Dan Abramson