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September 10, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

Larry Flynt is offering $1 million for information about Mitt Romney's tax returns. Raising the question, just how uninteresting is Mitt Romney that Larry Flynt is offering money to see his W-2s?

A tornado was spotted in Queens on Saturday. The tornado tried to explain it just got lost while trying to get to Brooklyn, but no one believed it.

A new study by a former Obama health care adviser concluded that Mitt Romney's Medicare reforms would cost senior citizens $60,000 each. Moreover, many of their grandchildren would be fed to Nazis.

Iraq's former vice president has been sentenced to death. "And I thought my marriage was rough!" said the vice president.

Hillary Clinton said Russia's solution for Syria is “without teeth.” Russia responded by saying that it does have teeth, they're just small, like dolphin teeth.

Researchers announced that a common form of lung cancer may now be now curable. Which is great news for poor people in 15 years.

On "Meet the Press," Mitt Romney said, “Of course there are a number of things that I like in health care reform that I’m going to put in place.” At which point his campaign adviser told everyone to put away their forks, because he's totally positive Mitt Romney is done.

Teachers in Chicago are officially on strike. As a show of solidarity, the mean streets will be joining them.

A former deputy district attorney said that Johnnie Cochran manipulated the glove from the O.J. Simpson trial. Which explains why Cochran's gravestone reads simply "Obvio."

A Bible featuring annotations made by Elvis Presley sold for $94,000. Collectors say it's easily the most anyone has paid to read something where someone circled "King of Kings" then wrote "Hey that's me haha."

The debt collection industry is reportedly focusing on former college students with government loans. Or as they're also known, their employees.

An Arizona court ruled that tattooing is a form of free speech. Said the court, "Except barb wire tattoos. C'mon."

Last week at a Democratic Governors Association event, one table was specifically reserved for oil and gas industry lobbyists. Have you no shame, Republicans?

In Florida, the owner of a pizza shop gave President Obama a bear hug, lifting him off the ground. The president responded with the patented "Obama 'This is the Most Emotion I Can Show' Quarter-Hug"