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December 03, 2011


So this intro should be very short.  I had just caught wind of the Bernie Fine allegations at Syracuse University right before I posted this article on our fantasy board, so I wasn't fully in the know.  I kind of feel bad about posting that it seemed like some of the allegations were false, but then again I don't.  My initial thought was that the two guys (and I think they may have even been cousins) looked and sounded very shady, so I just said what was on my mind.

But is this how coaches really get down in college sports?  I mean what the fuck. The next breaking story will be a former towel boy at Gonzaga accusing one of the swim coaches of giving him a 'deep clean' against his will. A 'deep clean' is when a person strategically positions his anus directly along a jacuzzi wall in front of a water jet while receiving an underwater handjob. Yeah, pretty messy.  Hope you weren't eating when you read that one. 

Enjoy the results, it's almost playoff time! And to my beautiful fiance: At least fantasy football is the only sport I play. It could be much, much worse.


Professional Blues = me (Fox)

my ninjas = black

Jack D Rocks = brown

Legion of Doom = blue

RamRods = red

Bastard Mutants = orange

T. Green? = green

AK-47 = Adam (only met him a few times and have no idea what his last name is)

CANT WAIT = turquoise 

Bruce Blingstein = gray (*automatic win*)







FaNasty News Wrap-Up (Week 11)

Tuesday 11/22, 3:00PM - I think all of us can agree that it's starting to get fun now. By all of us I mean the majority of us, as I'm sure getting your ass whooped week after week cannot be too much fun for M*** L***, S** C*******, and J*** C******. This weekend was one that had you trying to watch every game; praying for touchdowns, field goals, turnovers, and season-ending injuries (for the competition of course). As I shit here (not a typo) and think about the matchups for the remaining two weeks of the regular season, anything can happen. We wouldn't have said that before this weekend began, but we'll get to that in a moment. Sidenote: Did anyone else hear about the former Syracuse basketball ballboys accusing the assistant coach of Sanduskyish behavior? I mean I would never wish any of the alleged activites on anyone, but those two particular accusers looked and sounded like they were completely full of shit. One guy probably called the other and said, "Let's get some of this Sandusky money." Fucking idiots. Again, my thoughts and prayers if it is indeed true. Now, a look at the weekend's results.

With Drew "Corpse Booty" Brees on a bye this week, Bastard Mutants owner D** S***** couldn't have been more pleased with an *automatic win*. In all honesty, he could have still beaten five other teams without him. The Mutants had solid performances across the board, and S*****'s club has clinched a playoff spot. Here's an interesting stat line: starting quarterbacks Christian Ponder and Matt Ryan both had 22.34 points. I wonder if his team has been around each other so much that their individual point production is starting to sync like females do with their menstruation cycles (insert S** C******* rumor here). No injuries, no worries. The Bastard Mutants will be playing in the postseason, a surprise to no one.

AK-47-W (6-5) v. JACK D ROCKS-L (3-8)   (AK:160pts. - JDR:134pts.)
Our prediction was JDR (-5) considering Arian "Fucking" Foster was sidelined with a bye, but Adam and his AK-47 team proved they are not a one-person team (jab at D** O********?). The club racked up it's fifth straight with a convincing victory over C*******'s JDR bunch, all but eliminating JDR from a shot at the playoffs. S** would need both CANT WAIT and the RamRods to lose their remaining two games while also having his club win their last two. Maybe this is the comeback he needs to pull off to really prove his worth to the FaNasty league. As for Adam, his team is right where they need to be. Recently acquired quarterback Carson Palmer played great alongside Joe "The Serbian Sniper" Flacco. Adam is making a case for League's Best Owner, and a four or five seed in the playoffs might make that award a lock.

MY NINJAS-W (6-5) v. RAMRODS-L (4-7)   (MN:190pts. - RR:130pts.)
Our prediction was RamRods (-16), making that two shitty predictions in a row. We actually thought J*** C****** was going to get his RamRods ready this week in a fight for their postseason lives. It turns out they don't give a shit. I have always wondered why this team is so bad. Aside from their shitty owner and all. They seem to have solid players, but then it hit me, and this weekend more than ever--their receivers fucking suck! All three RamRods receivers combined for seven--count 'em, seven--points. D** O********'s my ninjas receivers combined for 69. Game, set, match. O******** didn't even need to play a second running back or start a kicker (which he didn't), and they still tallied up a whopping 190 points. Of course Aaron Rodgers shat on the competition like always, but we actually saw some good roster moves and production from the rest of the club as well. O******** seems to have received the message that it's almost playoff time, and he has his team focused to push for the postseason. Their chances look good, but it'll come down to the finish. As for C******, he's officially fucked at this point in the season.

PROFESSIONAL BLUES-W (7-4) v. LEGION OF DOOM-L (8-3)   (PB:151pts. - LoD:146pts.)
Our prediction was Professional Blues (+44), so that's 1-for-3. We feel pretty shocked taking this win, because even we thought the Legion would easily roll the Mike Vick-less, Marques Colston-less, and Darren Sproles-less PB Squad. And once again, we were reminded that anything can happen on any given weekend. With quarterback Matt Moore (thank God Fox got him off waivers at the last second or else he would have started God-awful quarterback John Skelton), wide receiver Harry Douglas, and running back Reggie "Playing Much Better Since Kim K. Divorced Kris Humphries" Bush filling in for the vacant roster spots, Fox and his PB squad found a way to squeak out a win. Fox needed opposing quarterbacks Mark "Sark Manchez" Sanchez and Eli "Backwoods" Manning to suck, and they did. Fox needed running back Adrian Peterson to get injured, and he did. And on the final game of the weekend, Fox needed Deion Branch to lay an egg. And boy did he fuckin' lay it. Branch caught a couple of passes but seemed to have tweaked his hamstring early in the game, yet another injury. Calvin Johnson didn't even score, so you knew it just wasn't B** J****'s day. After getting mighty comfortable at the top of the leaderboard, the Legion might be awaking from their slumber following their second straight loss. While they have clinched the playoffs, they will now be fiighting against the Bastard Mutants, T. Green?, and the Professional Blues for the top seed. I don't think they should be too concerned..yet. We expected Fox to make some roster moves to adjust for his losses, and he showed us exactly why he's been a staple and an icon in the league since it's inception nearly a decade ago.

T. GREEN?-W (7-4) v. CANT WAIT-L (5-6)   (TG:184pts. - CW:183pts.)
Our prediction was T. Green? (-30), ending the weekend at a piss-poor 0.250. While we originally thought T** P******'s T. Green? club would win, we thought for sure that he was fucked going into yesterday's Monday Night Football game. His offense played very mediocre despite good production from the defense. But on Monday, there was Rob "Motherfuckin'" Gronkowski. The tight end snapped once again and ended up winning the matchup for P******. As for E***** S****** and his CANT WAIT team, I'm sure there will be disappointment. They clearly thought they were headed in the right direction following a win last week over Fox's Blues, but they once again find themselves looking for ways to seal the deal. The defense played okay at best, and their offense played phenomenal..through Sunday. All they needed was a less-than-average performance from running back Jackie "Drop Me" Battle, and turns out he gave them a worse-than-awful one. I wouldn't be surprised if this bum has found his way back on waivers by the time I submit this. E***** is no doubt down, but his team is most certainly not out. While they are in seventh place and on the outside looking in, winning their final two games will almost guarantee a late-season playoff berth.


AKvCW - This will be an extremely pivotal matchup. A win for S******'s CANT WAIT team will not only end the streaking AK-47 club's run, but it will also keep them in the playoff hunt. A win or loss can be the determinant for Adam's playoff chances, so both clubs will need to go HAM.

MNvJDR - my ninjas owner D** O******** will look to once again silence the haters with a win, which would nearly make his team a playoff lock. S** C******* and his JDR bunch will look to play spoiler while he also makes an attempt to regain his credibility as a team owner and overall human being.

LoDvTG? - This matchup will also be crucial. Get this, P****** could potentially be in first place with a win and some luck in the other matchups. He will, however, be getting his very best effort from a frustrated Legion of Doom. LoD owner B** J**** will surely do all that he can to avoid losing his third straight, even if it means murder.

PBvBM - In their first meeting in Week 3, the PB Squad shocked the Mutants with a beautiful team victory. These teams meet again, and it's no surprise they are both fighting for top playoff seeding. Expect Fox to pray for Vick's speedy recovery, but also expect the unexpected from that guy. He's been shaking up his roster all year and has managed to make it work. S***** is fresh off an *automatic win*, and he smells blood in the water now that J****'s Legion dropped their second straight.

RR *automatic win* - J*** C****** and his RamRods are least deserving of this *automatic win* week, but boy did they need it. They desperately need a full week to take a step back and figure out how in the fuck they plan on making it to the playoffs. This win could be huge, and I am sure he will be in his cave all weekend rooting for Jack D Rocks and AK-47 to give his team one last chance. But the more pressing question is what will he do with it if he gets that final opportunity?

-FaNasty News