Dear Board Members of the Vatican,
Like much of the world, I awoke this morning to the surprising news that Pope Benedict XVI had resigned his position. While I’m sure that this news is both shocking and disappointing to all of you, I [respectfully] didn’t want to hesitate to declare my candidacy to become your next Pope. We all know that nobody hates quitters more than God and the Miami Dolphins, so you can be sure that I will immerse myself in this position with the level of commitment and faith equivalent to the network television stations that continue to produce shows featuring Will Arnett.
Since Jesus and God are surely looking down at Pope Benedict, shaking his head and muttering the word pussy under their breaths, clearly because he couldn’t just “man-up” and power through being old, I urge you to consider age an essential quality in your selection process. Being in my mid 20’s I am right in life’s “sweet spot,” which gives me the energy and enthusiasm to carry this historical process forward with a spark of youthful optimism that will allow for fun new ideas and traditions to take effect. The Vatican is a marvelous place filled with timeless history, priceless artifacts and millions of dollars in unclaimed gold from Jews who were put in European ghettos. But despite the gilded status of The Vatican, as your next pope I would promote a series of projects to lower the exclusivity of The Vatican, in hopes of making it a more accessible place to locals and tourists alike. Here are some of my plans:
- Crowd Sourcing The Vatican/Vatican City - They let Michaelangelo draw on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, so why not let Banksy add some artistic contributions to the Cappella Nicolina. I propose that we hold online voting competitions where we allow Jesus Nation [Catholics of the World] to vote on what sort of businesses, murals, dance parties and community service projects to introduce at the Vatican. Would Jesus have held a summer camp for refugee children from war torn nations at The Vatican? I think we all know the answer to that question!
A Starbucks coffee cart located in the Borgias Apartments? I think yes!
- Daily Papal Vlog - It’s incredible in this day and age that the Pope has been so inaccessible. With a daily Papal Vlog I will make the daily minutia of my life familiar to the world by letting people know what I eat for breakfast, what music I’m listening to, and perhaps I’ll even do a cooking segment where I show God lovers how to bake the perfect Eucharist. Perhaps I’ll throw in the occasional attempt at a Vatican Viral Video; Jesus surely would’ve enjoyed the Harlem Shake.
- New Wardrobe - Whether you’re a priest, an archbishop or a cardinal, you all have a special style of dress that suits the your position and the tradition that comes with it. But being a leading member of the lord’s team has never looked so bland. That’s why I’d propose exciting new uniforms to accentuate the spiritual camaraderie we experience each day, as I quarterback our team down God’s gridiron, towards a victorious ascent up Jacob’s Ladder.
- Vatican Corporate Sponsorship - The Catholic Church of Funyons? God's House of Coca-Cola? The Bank of America [& Jesus] Arena?
I hope you consider my ideas to be merely a rough sketch of the progressive influence I will have on the Papal chair. Lastly, I'm pretty good with Adobe Photoshop [flawless at putting human heads on animal bodies], and I'm proficient in Microsoft Office. I'm a quick learner and a constant source of positivity around the workplace. I also make a mean grilled cheese.
I hope you consider me for the position!