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March 09, 2016

It's almost spring and you know what that means: hobos in your shed! Time to clean house and here's how.

Ahhhhh,take a deep breath, because spring is almost upon us and the air is filled with chirping birds, flowers blooming, and the deafening hobo yawns coming from your backyard shed. Like every other year, with spring comes the unenviable task of getting rid of the pesky hobos who squatted in your tool shed all winter. Here’s how.

1. Chase Them Out With A Giant Broom


First, run down to the nearest hardware store and grab the biggest broom you can find, then run at your shed full speed with the broom like a whirling dervish shouting, “Go on, shoo! You pesky varmints! Go on! I said git!"Remember, when you dehumanize the hobo, they are easier to vanquish! Plus the giant broom will put desirable distance between you and any unsightly hobo refuse or excrement.

2. Set Up Booze Traps


FACT: Hobos love booze, especially big cartoonish jugs of booze marked up with X’s. The idea here of course is to set up a giant mouse trap, but instead of using cheese (which surprisingly also works) you use cheap gas station liquor. Once the hobos go for the booze they’ll find themselves trapped in a box, which can easily be tossed in the trash. Even Donald Trump would call that VIP treatment! Wasn’t that was easy?!

3. Blow A Train Whistle


A hobo can’t help but use trains as his/her primary form of transportation. Dozens of affordable train whistles are available online or as downloadable iPhone apps. After you acquire the whistle, carefully crouch down next to the nearest shed opening and let her rip! The whistle will startle and confuse the hobos, sending them scurrying off into the neighborhood in search of the phantom train. While they’ll never ever find it, it gives you more than enough time to clean and hobo-proof your shed for next season.

4. Use The Hose


Everyone knows the hobos mortal enemy is soap and water, so we suggest you grab the strongest suds you have in one hand and your garden hose in the other. Next, hurl the soap box into the shed like a SWAT team smoke bomb and turn the hose on full blast. Most of the time, what you thought was a hobo turns out to be dirt, garbage, and ratty clothes that dissolves on contact, but either way you’ll be killing two birds with one stone. Now you have a clean, hobo-free shed. Speaking of killing birds, have you tried to …

5. Kill ‘em!


Insensitive? Maybe. Necessary? You betcha! Who knows what kind of hobo circle jerks went on in your shed all winter? Plus, you need to get to your rideable lawn mower and tend to your prize-winning garden, that is unless of course the hobos ate it up already like a pack of ravenous rabbits. Guns, knives, ropes, those always seem to do the trick, but ultimately that’s between you and whatever God you believe in. Now, before you go all soft on us like a blubbering mound of spineless pussy, don’t forget: You can’t grow vegetables if you don’t plant some seeds first and nobody ever notices a missing drifter!! Now get to killing and bonne chance!