Last night, at the end of my fabulous caucus speech that a lot of people are saying was the greatest speech of the night, I mentioned maybe buying a farm in Iowa. Take a look:
By the reaction of the crowd, it looks like you think I was paying you a compliment. But what I actually meant was maybe I’ll buy a farm so you can all have somewhere to live since you’re a bunch of fucking pigs. Basically, pigs live on farms and you’re all pigs. So now the gross people of Iowa will finally have somewhere appropriate to rest their little hooves at the end of the night and eat out of your little piggy troughs with your fat, bacon bellies and curly tails. Honestly, fuck you guys. You make me sick.
I mean look at your state. It’s gross. I can’t even believe I brought my beautiful wife, Melania, here to breathe your same corn-scented air. It’s honestly really sad. Not one good person has ever come from Iowa except Lara Flynn Boyle and the current Miss Iowa who I met before being asked to stop running the pageant. But, honestly, she’s a dear, dear friend of mine and agrees it was crazy to take me off Miss USA. Huge drop in ratings for those people. Huge. Really sad.
Where was I — oh right, you’re all a bunch of fucking pigs for choosing that pillow person, Ted Cruz. But what none of you walking prairie dogs understands is that I WANTED to come in second place. This was my plan all along so, in actuality, it was a huge success for me. I only wanted to get 24% of the vote in honor of my dear friend, Jack Bauer. He’s a really close family friend and a confidant who trusts me with his CIA secrets.
Honestly, I’m not convinced the people of Iowa don’t grow straight out of the ground just like their corn. And honestly, their corn isn’t even good. Everyone knows Nebraska corn is the best. The Jolly Green Giant is a good friend of mine and he says he’d NEVER eat or sell Des Moines corn. Sad, really, since there’s not much else you can do with your acres of completely flat land. Honestly, Iowa, the only thing flatter than your land is your women. I’m sorry you had to look at my gorgeous daughter, Ivanka, all night. Must be tough to watch a Perfect 10 walk amongst a state of Negative 2s. And I’m sorry to focus so much on your flat, flat land but really it’s an eyesore. Take a cue from Trump Tower! That beautiful building stretches 57 miles into the air. The closest thing you have in Iowa is a 6’2” tumbleweed named Ashton Kutcher. He hates me though because it’s a well-known fact that I’m un-Punk-able.
So now it’s on to New Hampshire, another state full of losers of pigs. But at least it’s in New England, I know New England, he’s a dear friend of mine. Maybe I’ll get to pop in on Tom Brady. Just like me, he’s coming off a second place win himself. Fuck you all and goodnight.