On Saturday, February 14th, old Jimbo will celebrate his 59th birthday, leaving him a mere 365 days from collecting his Canada Pension. Yes, one more year and this Baby Boomer ( Zoomer) will bite the dust and officially enter the world of the “Senior Citizen”. But please don’t fret, the old guy is still as active as ever, coaching and managing basketball 24/7, running kids here and there, and making a lot of WHOOPEE! Jimbo still follows the Church of Buffet Creed, better know as “growing older but not up!”
I feel as if my mind hasn’t aged one bit. I’m as sharp as a tack. It’s the body that creaks and groans like an old rocking chair every time I make a move. Therefore, I believe my current situation (advanced age) allows me to discover many truths. I see things more clearly. In fact, they come to me like great bolts of lightning from the sky.
Let me share one of these truths with you today. Consider this a lesson from a wise old sage such as myself.
We have all joked about old guys who hike up there pants and wear their belts just under the nipple line. Others revert to the tried and true “red suspenders”, those elastic pant yankers so many rural folk wear. I’d laugh at my own father as he yanked his pants sky high leaving little wiggle room for his package. Yes, sometimes the lumps and bumps were readily visible. I swear if he unzipped his zipper you could see his belly button.
My favorite image, one that should put this all into perspective, is that of Jerry Stiller in any of the two roles he played on Seinfeld or King of Queens. Get my drift?
In the past few years I’ve noticed that it is increasingly more difficult to keep my pants up. I’ll tighten my belt to the last notch, and still find myself exposing myself with rapper’s ass. Today I walked around the mall constantly hiking my pants, never sure whether I’ll lose them completely, or not! When I looked down at my legs my jeans were both baggy and saggy.
Guess what? I’ve tried punching a few more holes in my belt, but that has provided little improvement.
Despite the fact I’ve gained a few inches around the middle, I’ve lost just as many (or more) from my ass. It’s like the fat in my butt has been thrust forward and out to my belly. The result, not only have I developed a small roll over, but my belt line has actually decreased substantially and slipped dramatically lower. My waist line is some where between my nuts and my pubic bone.
Any attempt to hold up my pants is fruitless, unless of course, I move that belt up to the NIPPLE LINE. This ass shrinkage thing is the root of my problem. Believe me I know that to be an irrefutable fact. I did a quick survey at the mall and it’s true; old guys have no asses! Just look at the pant sag in the back. It’s like someone swung a sword and lopped off their butt cheeks.
To prove this I also did a demonstration for my family. I showed them how I can have “rapper ass” with my belt in the pubic bone position or “Stiller Crotch” with my belt in the nipple high position. I hope they were laughing “with me” not “at me”! But they did get my point.
Maybe I’ll have to resort to some of the other solutions I’ve seen like elasticized waist bands, baggy track pants or wearing my shirttail out to cover the over exposure. I’m sure the older FODDERS out there can provide me with the ultimate answer. Otherwise, I think my “plumbers butt” will continue to be a mark of distinction.
So, the next time you run into good old dad, your grandfather or weird Uncle Harry, have a little sympathy. The belt line is no fault of theirs. And, if you are over forty remember that you are on a slippery slope to suspenderland Yes, your “buns of steel” will quickly become “sacks of oatmeal”!
Anyway, that’s the first of many truths I hope to reveal in future blogs. Stay tuned for future posts on topics like: Why, As Willie Nelson proclaims, “There are more old drunks than old doctors?”
I just need a little more research time on this topic before I get zapped with the truth.
Time to crack a beer.