An image circulating the ‘net this week tells the story of a naval petty officer too drunk to pass the breathalyzer system needed to start his vehicle. What happens next involves a raccoon and a swimming pool, but we’ll let you read it for yourself. But be warned, despite being perhaps the greatest piece of content the internet has ever seen, the whole thing has proven to be a hoax. Can you believe that? An internet hoax! WHY GOD WHY?
You know what? Fuck that! Of course the military would try and kill this story. If people were to find out that the U.S. Navy can be defeated by raccoons, then what chance do we stand against ISIS or China or even a small legion of tiny Boy Scouts.
No, we just need to pull a Santa on this one and choose to believe this tale’s truthiness despite clear and present evidence to the contrary. Or at the very least, someone should make a cool movie out of this like they did with this other “internet hoax.”