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August 26, 2016
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The Undertaker challenged me to star in 33 big-budget films during a match back in ’98.

Dearest Jabronis,

It was announced recently that I am now the highest paid actor in the world, having raked in $64.5 million between June 2015-2016 from my roles in the People’s films Fast & Furious, San Andreas, Pain & Gain, Tooth Fairy, Journey 2: The Mysterious Island, and literally dozens more big-budget, big-muscle [*kisses right bicep, kisses left bicep*] blockbusters over the course of the last decade and a half.

Making the leap from professional wrestler to top-grossing action star has been fun, but I feel like this whole acting thing has gotten a little out of hand… In fact, I need to come clean about something: I only got into the movie business because The Undertaker tried to tell me I couldn’t on an episode of WWF Shotgun Saturday Night back in ’98. It was during one of those segments where the wrestlers call each other out and try to make each other look like jabronis and wuss-bags in front of scores of screaming fans.

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The Undertaker launching my film career.

I had just finished taunting The Undertaker about losing the belt to Stone Cold, capping off my insult with a signature People’s Eyebrow and a triumphant “If you smell-el-el-el-ell what The Rock is cookin’!,” when suddenly, he hit back with the ultimate slam: “I bet you can’t even star in 33 big-budget Hollywood films” he sneered, flexing and preening for the crowd. Well, that settled it. From that point forward, I made it my business to get good at acting, make it big in the movie business, and force that ghoulish lunkhead to eat his jabroni words.

Hey Undertaker, what do you think of my IMDB page? IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK.

Now that I’ve wrapped principal photography on the upcoming reboot of Baywatch (2017), I have officially met your challenge, Undertaker, which means I can finally stop this acting nonsense once and for all and get back to wrestling full time. I hate acting, I hate it so much – they don’t even give you a belt for being the best at it. But I never back down from a challenge.

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My actor’s headshot. I can finally throw away all the copies of these I keep in my car (for auditions).

So now that you all know the truth, I just wanna say one more thing to my old opponent Triple H: In 2001 we were watching pornography together on your laptop and you made the comment “Bet you couldn’t be a porn star, Rock…”

Mark my words, Triple H: Now that my Hollywood career is over, I WILL act in a series of porno films, and I WILL become the highest paid porn star in the ENTIRE WORLD. If you smell what The Rock… is fuckin’.

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