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May 13, 2015

Teenager Vies For Longest Tongue World Record, Bully Gives Top Nicknames


Adrianne Lewis, an 18-year-old from Michigan, thinks she has the longest tongue in the world. The current world record stands at 3.97 in. and is held by some dude named Nick Stoeberi. Lewis says she has her tongue measured at a healthy 4 in. flat and is awaiting an official measurement from the folks at Guinness World Records for her record to be official. Here is a video of Lewis showing off all the crazy things a person can do with a super long tongue, like lick her nose, lick her eyeballs, lick her elbow, and I guess just generally lick things that people with normal tongues can’t.

We hope only the best for Adrianne and that she sets the record and wins a free pint glass or whatever Guinness World Record Holders get. But we also know that being a teenager with a weird physical trait can be difficult and can also attract bullies. In fact, after hearing about this story we received a letter from a school bully that I have posted below.



Well well well if it isn’t old long-tongue Adrianne,

My name is Gator and I’m a school bully and, oh boy, are you in for it. Ya bird brain! You think you’re hot stuff with that World Record? I bet you go around and show it to all your friends and everyone’s like, “Oh Adrianne you’re so interesting.” Well I got news for you: You stiiiiiiiiiiiiink, P.U.! Take your tongue and lick some trash!

You think you’re better than me just because you have a world record and you have friends? Well, do your friends like music? Well here’s a song I wrote just for you:

Frere Jacques, frere Jacques
Dormez-SPEW, Dormez-SPEW

That’s what I do. I SPEW when I see you showing off and getting all sorts of friends just because you have a long tongue. You think you’re so cool but you’re not. You know who is cool? ME! I should have friends. Listen to this other song I wrote for you and your record-breaking litter licker:

It’s raining, it’s pouring
Adrianne’s tongue is BARFING

When you and your friends go out to the movies together do you stick your tongue out and grab popcorn from one of your friend’s popcorn buckets from far away? That’s what I would do! But you probably don’t. Your friends would love me way more than they love you because: You’re. A. Lame-O!

Maybe I don’t want any friends, did you ever think of that? Maybe I like being alone. Either way you don’t have to go flaunting your tongue and taking all the friends for yourself. I’m glad I don’t have to spend time with friends, otherwise I wouldn’t have come up with this new song:

Row, row, row, your boat,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Your tongue makes me HEAVE!

You’re gonna want to check the billboard charts because I think that one’s going straight to the top! I’m just so … sick … of you and…

Listen, Adrianne, I know I give you a lot of crap for having a long licker and friends but in reality, I’m just jealous that I don’t have anything that sets me apart. Did you know that I’ve never been called special by anyone. No one has ever even told me they love me. You wanna hear another song:

Gator’s a talentless schlub.

That’s more like it, huh? In all honesty, Adrianne, good luck with your world record and don’t let anyone stop you from achieving your dreams. As for me, well, I’m just gonna keep on bullying by changing the words in nursery rhymes. In fact, I just came up with a new one:

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe,
One day Gator might get a friend.

“School Bully”