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CHURCH TO SEPARATE FROM STATE

 

“It was a mutual decision, though mostly his,” said Church

 

SALT LAKE CITY, UT – Uh-oh! Looks like it’s a visit to Splitsville, USA for one hot, much gabbed about celebrity couple – Church and State!

Singer Danielle Church, 49, and her husband, self-proclaimed “man who cannot be defined by one career,” Kevin State , 28, have officially split. Though their relationship has been rocky for years, it’s always been a relatively amicable and quiet one. But this year, both Church and State decided they had had enough of each other and it was time to go their separate ways.

“Yes, it’s over,” says a rep for Church. “Church has had more than enough of State’s immaturity and debauchery. She has made the executive decision to take State up on his idea of a split, a proposal that was not formally made, but heavily implied, when he ran off with a stripper last weekend. It was the straw that broke the camel’s back. The stress of said split literally killed the couple’s pet camel, an actor in their year-round backyard nativity scene, as well.”

Both parties have been accused of being unfaithful in recent years. State has put very little effort into attempting to hide his wild nights of partying in Las Vegas and Salt Lake City or multiple extramarital affairs and even additional marriages. However, Church has tried very hard to deny anything of the sort on her behalf, ignoring allegations that she had had an affair with a much, much younger man.

We exclusively interviewed Mr. State, who spoke surprisingly openly about his decision to leave Church.

“It  was very hard for me to maintain that relationship. Sometimes she could be very controlling. Other times, very manipulative. I was almost afraid to admit to her that I was actually a Mormon, and polygamy was a very big part of my belief system. Hopefully I’ll find myself many new people in her place. Not to mention that Church was always telling me what I could and couldn’t do with my own body, which as a man, can be very emasculating.”

You may recall earlier this year State was sent to a celebrity rehab center for swallowing a handful of birth control pills, not to mention his embarrassing meltdown last year when he was pulled over on suspicion of driving under the influence of Lutheranism.

Church and State will share custody of their two children, though they will prefer to stay over at State’s far more often. They say it is more fun to hang out with them than with Church, except for when they occasionally get served wine by Church. Believe it or not, the education of Church and State’s children actually played a heavy role in their decision to split. Church has always said she just wanted to educate her children in scripture, where State has always insisted he just wants to teach them cool things like how to mix Mentos and Diet Coke, or how to tie a squirrel to a firecracker.

So what’s next for the dynamic duo, if not being together?

Church says she is taking some time off before setting to work on her new album of psalms. “It has been quite a while since I came up with any original content,” she admits.

State, on the other hand, says his plans are vague, but his Sundays are about to become a lot more fun. 

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