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October 11, 2016

You can’t make yourself great again until you admit you have a problem.

With all the media circulating about Donald Trump these days, it’s no wonder people are getting addicted to his every move. If you can’t relax for an evening without diagnosing Trump with a new personality disorder or quoting him in Zapp Brannigan’s voice, you are not alone. You can change, and we’re here to help.

1. Admit that you are powerless over talking, posting, and watching videos about Donald Trump.

2.Acknowledge that whenever you discuss the election, you end up either arguing or preaching to the choir.

3. See Trump tweet that Sacagawea was a fat immigrant or something. Get the weird feeling that this whole election is just a way for him to build his brand, and it’s working.

4. Decide to find a publication too classy to become a Donald Trump tabloid.

5. Discover that the top seven stories in The New Yorker are all about Trump. Cry a little.

6. Resolve to stop reading The New Yorker.

7. Get a copy of The New Yorker delivered to your door because you didn’t actually cancel your subscription.

8. Flip through it and see a cartoon that doesn’t even really have a joke in it. It’s just Donald Trump’s speechwriters telling him not to mention Bill’s infidelities too many times. Attempt a tepid laugh; nothing comes out. You immediately think about how you should have just cancelled the subscription, but you know you’re still not going to.

9. Pine for simpler times, when New Yorker cartoonists would draw two goldfish sipping cocktails in a fish tank with a caption like: “Not a lot of floor space, but the view is fin-tastic!” or something.

10. Tweet something like “Cartoonists these days are all crooked morons, believe me.” Draw your own cartoon.

11. Brag to everyone that The New Yorker bought your amazing cartoon. If anyone asks to see it, deny you said anything.

12. Forget these steps because excuse me, but you don’t need to listen to anyone but yourself, you handsome cartooning genius, okay? You’re gonna be YUUUUGE.