Full Credits

Stats & Data

July 27, 2010


Jim McPartland



Paddy Dawkin



It’s hard to imagine a more serious environmental problem than the years it will take to clean up the ever spewing spill. I shed a tear every time I see some poor pelican drenched in gook flapping its wings saying “WTF? I didn’t sign up for this.”

“Fuck you, BP. Anybody got a fish that doesn’t taste like Castrol?”




Trying to be the eternal optimist I claim to be, I’ll start by trying to figure out how to make money off other’s misfortunes. Mental distress of levies netted me $12.46 from Katrina. I should be able to at least get an oil change out of this.


BP has started the cash register at $20 billion. They say they’ve already cut 50,000 checks.


I’ve never seen any corporation, even when prodded by the government, make equitable restitution. The people that actually deserve compensation never get it as they are not surrounded by lawyers who figure out how to get in the front of the line.


The first 4 checks-


1) Halliburton- $1.5 million for lost revenue due to the rig exploding.

“Pay to the order of Mr. D Cheney—“



2) Apple- $900k. Poor I-Phone reception from oil barriers. Free cases will protect them from dropping into a slick.


3) Sun Pharmaceuticals- $1 million. The Banana Boat line of sun care products has reportedly lost revenue this quarter as people of the gulf coast region are staying out of the sun, away from the beaches and don’t need to soothe their burning skin. Proctor & Gamble has refused to share increased profit from Dawn sales.


Several other large pharmaceutical companies and cancer clinics are loosing future melanoma cases due to people staying indoors this summer are filing their own suits.


4) Insurance Giants State Farm & All State will receive upwards of a million dollars each in their small business departments. Massive payouts are expected as fishermen continue to throw their hands in the air in disgust and move to North Korea where BP execs would have already been drawn and quartered. Progressive is working on a way to get into the fray.


“It removes oil, too!”





Those that will never see a dime-


- The illegal immigrant busboy at “The Jambalaya”. Has moved to Arizona to take his chances.


- Larry K., homeless, who spent his last $5 to build his seaside fort under a pier in Cajun County, LA with washed up (and now useless) Old English bottles.


- “Destiny”, who performs a nude show where she sits in a chair with legs spread and simultaneously licks an oyster while pinching her nipple until she cums. Substituting tar balls for lack of usable shellfish has caused her show’s cancellation.


- The city square mime who keeps acting out a scene of what appears to be a bird getting caught in the oil and it’s struggle to reach land before drowning…these days the only thing found in his hat are rotten tomatoes and death threats.



Ok, so I don’t live on the panhandle. I’ve never been on a shrimp boat. But I do like seafood. Can’t I claim emotional anguish because my Shrimp Diablo has gone up $3 a plate? Ethix Marketing seems to think so-





We all just need to come up with our own sob story. As an example-


Submitted under “Decreased Property Value after Spill”-


Paddy Dawkin- I have been personally affected by this ecological tragedy in the worst way.  Every year I make a pilgrimage to Gulf Shores in order to have my week of ZEN.  I need the ocean and must have time near the ocean in order to remain in a semi-sane state.  Without this yearly pilgrimage and proper medication, which I quit taking years ago, I find myself in a state of constant stress.  The waves at the beach use to bring calm to my inner being as they would roll over my almost lifeless and burnt body.  Just watching the waves gave me an inner peace that I cannot fully explain…the waves would come in and roll out, come in and roll out, rise and up and melt down, rise up and melt down, in and out, up and down, in and out, up and down, in and out, up and down….ahhhh…. YESSS!!!


I have now burned out my vibrator. You owe me $15.95. I’ll trade my ZEN for some fresh Duracell D’s.




You are now free to create your own spill tale of woe---