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May 25, 2017

Don't be a Xenu and join me!

For the past two decades or so, whether during my TV appearances or in the classroom, I have done my best to teach children and adults the wonders of science and the workings of the universe. Such work led me to calling myself Bill Nye The Science Guy, and I really thought I was doing good. Now I realize I was spreading terrible lies and in my new religious faith I aim to correct those lies. From now on call me Bill Nye The Scientology Guy.

I used to tell people that the first humans appeared 1 or 2 million years ago after eras of scientifically proven evolution.

All bullshit.

Here’s what the Church of Scientology finally made me realize: 75 million years ago, a tyrant of the Galactic Confederacy named Xenu brought aliens to Earth, stuck them near volcanoes, and then detonated hydrogen bombs in the volcanoes, killing the aliens, but leaving their spirits, or thetans, which then migrated into the humans of Earth. See now that makes sense, unlike evolution.

If you’re suspicious, realize that I was too. When a kind woman asked if I wanted to have my thetan levels checked 2 weeks ago, I said, “Fuck no, lady. I’m a man of science!” and pushed her into a busy street. Yet, when that same woman asked me the same question last week and told me she’d sue me for pushing her if I didn’t get tested, I decided to give it a shot.

Let me tell you, all that nonsense you believed about science goes out the window once you realize your thetan levels are dangerously low. You see that mankind doesn’t have all the answers, only Scientology does, and in order to get those answers you simply have to believe, and pay around $150,000. I’m rich, so I was able to Venmo that money right away and learn all the truths of the universe.

Since I believe in spreading the message of Scientology, here are a few of them:

-The meaning of life is to be good to others, devote time to helping the less fortunate, and to see every Tom Cruise movie when it is in theaters so he can continue making money for the Church of Scientology. The Mummy comes out June 9th.

-Anyone who says Scientology is a cult is an agent of evil lord Xenu. You should push them into traffic.

-When you die, you will meet the creator of Scientology, L. Ron Hubbard. If you are a follower, he will buy you a beer. If you are a non-believer, he will karate chop you in the eye.

-Thetans smell like Pringles.

-Remember, The Mummy comes out June 9th. See it in 4D to spend more money!

In the past, when I filled your heads full of those science lies, you believed me. That was stupid of you, but I need you to do it again, because what I preach now is the Truth. Scientology will lead you down a path of enlightenment. Everything else will lead you down a path and push you into heavy traffic.

Also, I just recruited Neil deGrasse Tyson, so there’s like no science guys left. Might as well join us!