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August 24, 2009

I’m currently writing this blog as I travel from New York City to Burbank, CA on Jet Blue Flight 353. Besides this most recent trip, I had only been to New York City on one other occasion so I wanted to use this visit as an opportunity to partake in all the sights and attractions that the Big Apple has to offer.

In just two short days, I was able to visit the Empire State Building, the Statue of Liberty, and the Ghostbusters firehouse -- which was just two minutes away from my hotel in Tribeca.

On a side note, look how fat I am. I mean, even from this distance, you can still see my love handles and man-tits.

Anyway, in addition to all those famous landmarks, I wanted to try a slice of New York pizza. For years, every asshole I’ve ever met from New York and New Jersey has told me over and over again, that New York pizza is the best pizza in the world. Apparently, they say, it has something to do with the water used. They claim that the water in New York is so filthy and polluted that it distracts the eater from the rat hairs and insect excrement that usually falls in the industrial dough mixers.

Having ate a slice*, I would just like to say something to everyone who thinks New York pizza is the best pizza in the world: IT’S FUCKING PIZZA, PEOPLE. GET A FUCKING LIFE. IT’S ALL THE FUCKING SAME. Seriously, just like every other place else in the world, New York pizza is made from dough, sauce, and cheese. That’s it. Nothing else.

Now, I realize that some pizza is better than others. Most mom and pop pizza restaurants are by far better than chains like Domino’s or Pizza Hut, but there’s no fucking way that New York pizza is superior to all other pizza. That’s just a retarded statement. And if you think it’s true, you got a little too much hometown pride -- kinda like how the Republicans like to think the United States is perfect the way it is.

And the same goes for other types of food, too. People from Philadelphia think they’re the only ones who know how to make a decent cheese steak, despite the fact that everyone on welfare is capable of pouring processed orange cheese on top of grizzled meat.

I don’t care if Chinese food is being cooked in China or Tulsa, Oklahoma -- because as long as the guy working the wok is Chinese and the dog taste like chicken, that's all that matters.

And just to show you that I’m not biased, although I’m originally from Maine, I’m not gonna stand here on my soap box and tell you that Maine is the only place where you can go to get good lobster because it’s not true.** It’s not like that area of Atlantic Ocean has a special breed of lobster found nowhere else.

What makes lobster taste good is all the butter you put on it. Hell, if you put enough butter on shit, it’ll taste good, too.

So to all the babies out there who think their hometown has the best food, just sit back for a moment and realize that’s just your opinion. Good food can be found anywhere and you can have your favorites, but just don’t insult everyone else by telling them their favorite foods sucks.

Now if you’ll all excuse me, I wanna go try something else that I’ve never tried before -- taking a shit on an airplane -- although I’m a little worried because the bathroom doors open up in the direction where the flight attendants usually hang out, and I’m pretty sure they’re gonna catch a waft of what I’m cooking. Think about that next time you eat a slice of New York pizza.

*It should be noted that I was so busy I didn’t get a chance to actually eat New York pizza on this trip, although I plan on doing so in the future.

**And you actually can’t find better Lobster anywhere else in the world than you can find in Maine.