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Published November 25, 2013 More Info »
  Thanksgiving is here! Make the most of it with these must-do Turkey Day activities:   Eat turkey Visit with family Visit with the turkey’s family Offer to help them through this difficult time Pretend to be sympathetic but really just start sizing them up for next year Head home Stretch out on the couch Relax Watch football Play football Go a little too hard and pull your groin muscle Try not to let on because what kind of pussy injures themselves playing touch football with their out-of-shape uncles? Say you’re gonna go “check on the bird” then secretly ice down your groin in the garage Get caught with your hands down your pants by your grandmother who just came out to grab some ginger ale from the garage fridge Tell her it’s not what it looks like Disgust and disappoint your poor grandmother on what may very well be her last Thanksgiving Keep icing Head inside Watch the parade Watch the parade of judgmental faces move past you on their way to the dinner table Realize grandma talked Try not to get mad Fail Exclaim “grandma is a liar!” Be met with anger and legitimate confusion Realize grandma didn’t talk Quickly recover by explaining that you meant grandma is a Lyre, a medieval string instrument resembling a small harp Be met with anger and legitimate confusion Smile as grandma plays along, saying “you mean I used to play the lyre in my younger days. Yes, I was quite good, dear!” Flash grandma a grateful look, she’s always had your back Go around the table and say what you’re thankful for Get on top of the table and scream what you’re thankful for Encourage others to do so Ruin dinner by stomping all over it Order from Boston Market Open the bag and see that it’s just 6 orders of corn Realize you got the wrong order Hear a knock at the door See that it’s the same family of turkeys from before, and they want their corn Fear that grief-stricken, corn-hungry turkeys could be capable of anything Barricade the door After a few minutes, send your sister’s husband out there to investigate Watch helplessly as the turkeys carry him off Mourn his loss Encourage your sister to get back out there and start dating again Set her up with a Tinder profile Invite a bunch of hot men over Instead of flowers, have them each bring a dish to pass Enjoy a delicious, hunk-made meal Feel full Decide that a nice ginger ale will help settle your stomach Go to the garage Suddenly realize you’re not alone Hear a loud squawk as a renegade turkey chomps down on your genitals Turn to see your grandma standing in the doorway, surrounded by hunky men Tell them it’s not what it looks like
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