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November 25, 2013

Thanksgiving is here! Make the most of it with these must-do Turkey Day activities.

Thanksgiving is here! Make the most of it with these must-do Turkey Day activities:
  • Eat turkey
  • Visit with family
  • Visit with the turkey’s family
  • Offer to help them through this difficult time
  • Pretend to be sympathetic but really just start sizing them up for next year
  • Head home
  • Stretch out on the couch
  • Relax
  • Watch football
  • Play football
  • Go a little too hard and pull your groin muscle
  • Try not to let on because what kind of pussy injures themselves playing touch football with their out-of-shape uncles?
  • Say you’re gonna go “check on the bird” then secretly ice down your groin in the garage
  • Get caught with your hands down your pants by your grandmother who just came out to grab some ginger ale from the garage fridge
  • Tell her it’s not what it looks like
  • Disgust and disappoint your poor grandmother on what may very well be her last Thanksgiving
  • Keep icing
  • Head inside
  • Watch the parade
  • Watch the parade of judgmental faces move past you on their way to the dinner table
  • Realize grandma talked
  • Try not to get mad
  • Fail
  • Exclaim “grandma is a liar!”
  • Be met with anger and legitimate confusion
  • Realize grandma didn’t talk
  • Quickly recover by explaining that you meant grandma is a Lyre, a medieval string instrument resembling a small harp
  • Be met with anger and legitimate confusion
  • Smile as grandma plays along, saying “you mean I used to play the lyre in my younger days. Yes, I was quite good, dear!”
  • Flash grandma a grateful look, she’s always had your back
  • Go around the table and say what you’re thankful for
  • Get on top of the table and scream what you’re thankful for
  • Encourage others to do so
  • Ruin dinner by stomping all over it
  • Order from Boston Market
  • Open the bag and see that it’s just 6 orders of corn
  • Realize you got the wrong order
  • Hear a knock at the door
  • See that it’s the same family of turkeys from before, and they want their corn
  • Fear that grief-stricken, corn-hungry turkeys could be capable of anything
  • Barricade the door
  • After a few minutes, send your sister’s husband out there to investigate
  • Watch helplessly as the turkeys carry him off
  • Mourn his loss
  • Encourage your sister to get back out there and start dating again
  • Set her up with a Tinder profile
  • Invite a bunch of hot men over
  • Instead of flowers, have them each bring a dish to pass
  • Enjoy a delicious, hunk-made meal
  • Feel full
  • Decide that a nice ginger ale will help settle your stomach
  • Go to the garage
  • Suddenly realize you’re not alone
  • Hear a loud squawk as a renegade turkey chomps down on your genitals
  • Turn to see your grandma standing in the doorway, surrounded by hunky men
  • Tell them it’s not what it looks like