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June 05, 2017
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It's the WWE Pay Per View where the only rule is there are no rules. Or if there are, they are EXTREME. It's WWE Extreme Rules 2017.

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VENUE: Royal Farms Arena
CITY: Baltimore, MD
ATTENDANCE: 154,635

WWE RAW has been hot since Wrestlemania and last night the Red Brand put on the stipulation-heavy event “Extreme Rules.” Rules that are extreme, or an extreme number of rules? You decide!

Baltimore showed up. A bad crowd can sink a show but they were loud. It made for an even better television experience.

Here’s a look at the most EXTREME moments from last night:


1) Rules Intercontinental Championship Match - The Miz vs. Dean Ambrose ©

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Admit that you liked “The Marine 5”!

The Miz and Dean Ambrose have been fighting for about three years now. Miz wants to put some prestige back in the Intercontinental Title. Dean Ambrose, meanwhile, needs it to keep his jeans up. Have you ever sweat in denim? Ten minutes in the sun and I may as well be wearing concrete below my waist.

The Miz tricked Ambrose into this match by exposing Dean’s greatest weakness: rules. He hates rules. He’s a lunatic Maggle! Booker T described this as a “chess match” because it was going to take a lot of strategy for the champ to retain. Strategy like EXTREME knowledge of rules.

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Referee John Cone with the Chess Club Championship

The crowd was WAY behind Ambrose. Miz had him in a double arm stretch for about half a second before the entire arena and staff started up “Let’s Go Ambrose” chants.

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When your friends try to stop you from getting back with your crazy ex

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No, YOU have a seat!

Ambrose had an answer for everything so The Miz, desperate for a W, asked Maryse to slap him, thus disqualifying Dean and giving Miz the win. Referee John Cone was having none of it, however, and T O S S E D Maryse.

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Come on, ref, I need that belt for my pants! I’m Jeans Ambrose!

A fired up Ambrose made a comeback until Miz threw the Lunatic Fringe into the ref. Ambrose pleaded with the ref to not disqualify him. As they argued Miz hits a Skull Crushing Finale and takes home the gold, proving that the easiest way to beat Dean Ambrose is to distract him with, you guessed it: EXTREME RULES.

2) New Champ?

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“Now your pants will NEVER stay up!”

New Champ.

3) Those Who Can’t…

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Say your prayers, eat your vitamins, binge watch Netflix

Bailey tells us about her training regimen - watching old ECW matches and the movie “Wonder Woman.” Hey that’s my training regimen!

4) Extremely Mixed Tag Match - Noam Dar & Alicia Fox vs. Rich Swann & Sasha Banks

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Can you look at my watch and tell me what time it is?

This angle, sponsored by 205 Live, has been all about Noam Dar and Alicia Fox being a collective dick to Rich Swann because how else ya gonna get on the PPV? Swann crossed over and brought Sasha Banks to the Cruiserverse and now is the time on WWE when we fight!

When you absolutely kneed someone to calm down.

After a decent back and forth Banks dropped an unreal double knee from the top rope and Swann hit a wild corkscrew splash for the W, proving that friendship will always conquer love. Swann and Banks danced as Fox and Dar took a walk of shame to the back.

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Dance like no one’s watching.

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“They do know we can see them dancing, right?”

5) Ladies and Gentlemen, Elias Sampson

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“Remember Elias, every gig is important.”

“Baltimore is bathed in filth”…WOW. Sampson hit it on the head here. This crowd straight up DISRESPECTED an incredible gift of song.

Cole thought it belonged on The Ghost of Tom Joad (???) and Booker thought Clive Davis might be watching WWE scouting for vocal talents (???!!!???!!!???).

At least someone appreciated the Drifter.

6) Kendo Stick On A Pole Women’s Championship Match - Bayley vs. Alexa Bliss ©

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A new kind of massage therapy is sweeping the nation!

After weeks of accusing each other of not getting EXTREME The Hugster and Lil’ Miss Bliss faced off with the most exciting stipulation in wrestling: A [something] on a pole match! There is nothing more EXTREME than hanging [something] on a pole. One time Buff Bagwell fought in a “Judy Bagwell On A Pole” Match where his mom was the [something] on a pole: http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2zof6_buff-bagwell-vs-positively-kanyon-j_sport.

Cole screams at Network viewers that the Twitter hashtag is #KendoStick. People who win the lottery don’t yell like he yelled here. No human has ever been more excited to say anything than Michael Cole was to say #KendoStick!

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What’s that hashtag Maggle?

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Most often used phrase in a [something] on a pole match: oops.

Aaaaaand like every good [something] on a pole match the kendo stick fell off the pole. Bayley got the stick first but Bliss recovered and took Bailey to town, including a wicked shot to the back of Bayley’s head.

Alexa gets the win after implanting Bayley with a DDT. Sorry Bayley, you just couldn’t get EXTREME.

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“I can’t believe I let you touch me with your weird stick!”

STILL CHAMP?

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This woman is straight fire.

STILL CHAMP.

#KendoStick!

7) Obligatory Athlete Cameo

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Adam Jones of the Baltimore Orioles cosplaying as Virgil. No, for real.

8) International Announce Crew In The House!

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The voice of WWE China

9) Steel Cage Tag Team Championship Match - Cesaro & Sheamus vs. The Hardy Boyz ©

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The Hardys try to help Cesaro and Sheamus win by pushing them through the cage.

This was an old fashioned STEEL CAGE match where the both team members must escape the cage, and have both feet on the ground, to win. Remember that.

Cesaro and Sheamus rode their new mean streak into the show. Their gear and entrance are dope. But cool gear isn’t gonna win an EXTREME match against TEAM EXTREME.

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Hahahaha, I am mentally stable!

The crowd was WAY in to the Hardys but we are all just waiting for Matt to become #BROKEN. I’ve never seen so many people excited to see a man lose his sanity. We are all still chanting “Delete” out here, lawsuits be damned. It’s only getting louder.

The Hardys played the underdsized underdogs. Cesaro and Sheamus hit heavy power moves all match only to find the Hardys damage meter still too low to escape.

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He’s gonna eat me foot fella!

Jeff escaped which left Matt vulnerable to some serious double team destruction at the hands of Cesaro and Sheamus. Jeff re-entered the cage hitting a SICK Whisper In The Wind from the top.

This is how Jeff Hardy gets in bed every night.

Remeber that “both feet, both men” rule? Knowing it came in handy as a race to the floor found the European Wrecking Crew landing first and taking the titles from the Hardys.

10) New Champs?

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I give this match a thumbs sideways!

New Champs.

11) No One Was More Upset About the Hardys Loss Than This Kid In The Front Row

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“You acted like a couple of Hardy Boyz in there, you need to start acting like Hardy M3n!”

12) Submission Cruiserweight Championship Match - Austin Ares vs. Neville ©

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Ares lost the pre-match beard stroking mini-game

This feud has been all about beards and bad attitudes. After two straight PPV losses Ares wanted to settle the score like real men: by seeing who could choke whom the hardest.

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I can almost feel that stretch bro!

Both men threw down hard both in and out of the ring.

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IN!

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NO, OUT!

While locked in the Last Chancery Neville wiggled to the floor where Ares followed and locked it in again. Neville tapped but it was outside the EXTREME confines of the ring ropes so it did not count.

A missed suicide dive by Ares and Neville took control again, hitting a Red Arrow and knocking Ares silly, leaving A Double no choice but to tap.

That’s three in a row for Ares, the former TNA champion, which should probably put him out of the Cruiserweight Title picture for a while. Neville, meanwhile, continues to look like a wrecking ball in this division. The heel turn finally gave him his first real momentum since NXT. Who, though, is next in line for a shot at the purple strap?

Still Champ?

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Still Champ.

13) The Logo For The Next RAW PPV Looks Like A Dong

#Balls2017

14) Where Was RAW GM Kurt Angle?

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He was busy getting catcalled by my brother in Pittsburgh.

15) Fatal Five Way Extreme Rules Match - Roman Reigns vs. Seth Rollins vs. Bray Wyatt vs. Samoa Joe vs. Finn Balor

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When your partner asks you to try a new position

Our main event was a Fatal Five Way where to win one must murder all other opponents.

These guys murdered each other.

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BWARGH!

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Not in the face, not in the face!

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“This is a fine place to hang my Balor.”

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Never skip leg day.

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We told you to stop stairing!

Twenty five minutes of pure carnage, including a frog splash through a table, the 1000th suicide dive of the night, a spear through four rows of fans, and a final five minutes that had the crowd all kinds of loud. Finn Balor was three seconds from headed to #Balls2017 after he murdered Roman Reigns with the Coup des Grace.

Balor’s time in the cast of STOMP finally pays off.

But Samoa Joe, from outta Samoa Nowhere, snuck in and choked Finn Balor to death.

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Finn Blue-lor

The ref called for the bell and we have our challenger for the WWE Universal Title.

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When you beat four dudes but realize they were mini bosses.

Loud “Joe” chants after the match as the other participants respawned where they died.


[stills via WWE.com]


A real fun event and a very good main event match.

We are back in two weeks with Money In The Bank, when Smackdown’s finest risk their careers in a ladder match to retrieve a briefcase full of paperwork.

#KendoStick!

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