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April 18, 2016

I'm looking for a few sex partners before this Zika stuff gets nuts.

I read an article yesterday that the number of cases of Zika in the U.S. and Puerto Rico is rising, with over 700 documented so far. Well, I don’t know too much about science AND refuse to learn much about it but I have heard that Zika is sexually transmitted. That leaves me with one question: does anyone wanna do it before this Zika stuff gets too wild?

I mean, no pressure or whatever. I just think it’s going to be super scary to be out there trying to work the scene and get it in once Zika’s blanketing the United States in a heavy fog of despair. And scientists are saying that it’s gonna get worse and worse as mosquitos start breeding into the summer months. I don’t know about you, but when it gets hot out I can count on two things: getting horned up and getting turned on. It’s gonna suck big time if there’s absolutely ZIP I can do it about, so let’s bone now and make it 100% Zika-free.

Zika Image.jpg

I know what you’re asking yourself: aren’t there a lot of other sexually transmitted diseases already in heavy circulation that we should be worried about? And the answer is yes, but for some reason they don’t seem as scary and bad because I’ve already heard of them. But Zika? I don’t know anything about it a year ago, and that scares me. Plus it starts with a darn “Z.” That’s nuts. All I’m saying is if HPV started with a “Z” maybe there’d be a little less of it to go around.

If there’s anything an international health crisis does, it’s highlight what is essential and indelible about our mortal lives on this fragile earth. It’s a moment to stop and ask ourselves how we want to spend the time we’ve been given. And for me, the most pressing question is, “How I can get nasty with as many freako-deakos as possible before everything I know descends into complete chaos?”

I know you’ve heard this all before–specifically, when I said it during the Ebola crisis. But I meant it then and I mean it now. I’m down to get down before my immune system succombs to waste and rot. And my immune system is very weak so that could very well be any day now. Wow–I guess it’s like I’m dying. And isn’t it good to have sex with a dying person? I’m pretty sure that gets you into whatever eternal bliss is waiting for us after this realm. Please have sex with me. I’m going to be dead soon probably.

So let’s slap “Sugar” by Maroon Five on the old jambox and get down to dirty business. I have a feeling these next few months are going to be pretty busy for us all as we stop whatever we’re doing (jobs, raising children, running for president) and engage in a non-stop, Zika-free fuckfest.