Recently, The Guardian newspaper called on the world’s largest charitable foundations to divest their massive investments in companies that specialize in fossil fuel extraction. This includes the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, which has a whopping $1.4 billion invested in such companies. However, the Gates Foundation recently claimed that such investments are all part of the nonprofit’s greater plan to end human suffering worldwide:
We’re reaching out today to address some concerns that have come up over the past few weeks, namely that the Gates Foundation has quite a bit of its endowment invested in companies that extract coal and oil from the earth—over a billion dollars, in fact. And the vast majority of climate scientists agree that if the remaining fossil fuels are pulled out and burned, this will push us past the point of no return in regard to Global Warming, and transform our planet into an unlivable hellish nightmare from which no human life will escape.
And that’s exactly what we want! As you know, the Gates Foundation is very proud of its commitment to ending the scourge of malaria in third world countries. If we burn all the fossil fuels we have left, everyone on the planet will die! And do you know what that means?
NO MORE MALARIA!
After much research and deliberation, we firmly believe that letting climate change ravage the Earth is the quickest, simplest solution to ending this disease that has plagued humanity for far too long. After banging our heads against a wall for years, trying to come up with a comprehensive plan to stop malaria, we finally saw that the answer was staring us right in the face the whole time—just take humanity out of the equation altogether and the problem is solved!
Sure, there will be an unpleasant few years in there, when the oceans rise and envelop major population centers, and massive super storms destroy our cities, and also when endless drought causes us all to choke to death on dust. But once we get through all of that, we’ll never have to worry about malaria again!
Additionally, there are so, so many other problems we won’t have to deal with anymore once our initiative is fully implemented: Cancer will be completely eradicated, as will autism, the common cold, biting the inside of your cheek on accident when you’re eating taffy, and allergies.
And you know that annoying thing when you have an itch where it feels like it’s in the insides of your ears? And then you try to like, scratch it with the top of your tongue on the roof of your mouth, and you make loud pig noises? No one will ever have to deal with that again, either.
As you can now clearly see, as much as these people signing petitions would like for us to divest our money from energy corporations and help make fossil fuels an undesirable, dead commodity, this course of action would just mean more cases of malaria, more allergies, and more loud pig noises.
So let’s get that coal and oil out of the ground and burn it up so we can put an end to malaria and also every single other thing.
The Board of the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation