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July 16, 2015
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Yet another Republican candidate for President declared today just days after Gov. Scott Walker joined an already very crowded field of GOP hopefuls. A mannequin with an iPod taped to its head (that only plays old Reagan speeches) announced via Twitter that it was entering the race

Yet another Republican candidate for president declared today just days after Gov. Scott Walker joined an already very crowded field of GOP hopefuls. A mannequin with an iPod taped to its head (that only plays old Reagan speeches) announced via Twitter that it was entering the race by saying, “All in all, I’d rather be in Philadelphia,” and immediately began polling third in the crowded pack just behind Donald Trump at 9%.

“I like him (it),” said one possible Republican voter. “He (it’s) a Washington outsider and his (it’s) ideas about hating government and taking the Soviets down are really fresh.”

The mannequin’s campaign manager, Ted Dremen, was honest in explaining why he signed on. “I mean, I worked on Bachman’s campaign and even Cruz’s for a hot minute and we used to always say a mannequin could do a better job so here we are. Also, I take a lot of painkillers and suffer from frequent bouts of aphasia.”

At a campaign event in Iowa a crowd of 3,000 seemed to have few reservations about the inanimate object’s run for the presidency. When the mannequin’s iPod played Reagan saying, “Well, there you go again!” the crowd cheered lustily. They did the same when the iPod played, “Government isn’t the solution to the problem … It is the problem!”

There was some confusion when snippets of Reagan talking about how he had to raise taxes and wanted amnesty for illegals started playing, but a quick-thinking campaign staffer simply fast forwarded to the iconic quote, “If we ever forget we are one nation under God we will be one nation gone under!” and the crowd went wild.

The mannequin then fell over but was quickly propped back up and was carried out to cheers and a chant of, “Mannequin for president!” as the soundtrack from the titular Andrew McCarthy film played it out of the building.

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