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July 01, 2014

Just some time-honored, fatherly advice.

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Son, you’re going to do great out there, I just know it. You’ve worked so hard these past four years to earn the title of valedictorian, and I have absolute faith that your farewell statements will bring a tear to the eye of even the most callous bully! But before you go out there, I’m going to give you a little piece of advice that your grandfather gave me before I gave my valedictorian speech back in 1979. Should you find yourself fraught with stage fright, just imagine the audience in their naughtiest, sexiest lingerie.

Now I know what you’re thinking: “gee, thanks for the tired advice, pops!” Well son, clichés exist for a reason, and that’s because this advice has survived the test of time. As nervous as you may feel right now, nothing will make you feel less vulnerable than imagining your entire graduating class, teachers and faculty included, in their sexiest, most revealing babydolls, slips, negligees, corsets… need I go on?

Sure, I know you’ve never had an issue with stage fright before. You were president of the debate club three years running, you played Oberon in your school’s production of Midsummer, and that’s not even mentioning the public speaking workshop I paid top dollar to enroll you in for the last two months! But let’s just face the facts here, you’re not exactly Mr. Popular. And once you step up to that podium and you see Vicky Syphers staring back at you with her big, beautiful, Prom Queen eyes, you may start to feel a bit of perspiration on your brow… a dryness in your throat.

But if you do your best to imagine little miss Vicky Syphers in a nice bustier with garters attached to black hose, her breasts standing at full attention, practically spilling out over the top of the bustier, and maybe a nice pair of “fuck me” pumps for good measure, the rest will be smooth sailing!

I know this all sounds silly, but trust me, it really works! Take Mrs. Bergstrom, your social studies teacher, for example. Sure, maybe she’s a little older than you typically prefer, but as soon as you imagine her in an underbust corset with red satin stripes, her nipples obscured by nothing more than black, heart-shaped pasties, you’ll realize that there’s a sexiness to her maturity that you never imagined possible. Oh, and sure… this will help with stage fright too.

And when Principal McGrath calls you up on stage to make your speech, take a deep breath, shake her hand and do your best to evoke the tightest, crotchless body stocking you can. You do know what a body stocking is, don’t you?… Okay, well then you may want to consider Googling that before you go up there. It will really help you cope with stage fright. Especially if you turn off the safe search before you Google it.

Trust me, I’ve been using this advice for years! Keynote speeches at academic summits, town hall debates, the time I rallied our community together for a candlelit vigil after last year’s horrible tragedy… all of that would have been impossible if it weren’t for imagining everyone in their sexiest, most delicate unmentionables. Do you remember that toast I gave last year at Aunt June’s wedding? Well, don’t tell your mother this, but let’s just say that I’ve never felt so comfortable giving a speech before in my entire life.

And I know my son would never dream of imagining another man in his skivvies, but just in case it was unclear, this advice only works with women. The last time I attempted to imagine the men in their sexiest undergarments, I started to feel very distracted and confused, leading me to me storm off the stage and question major aspects of my identity for months on end. Classic result of stage fright!

I think it’s almost time for you to go up there. Remember to use the advice I just gave you, and I’m confident that you will do great! There’s just one last thing that I forgot to tell you. Whatever you do, no matter how nervous you get, do NOT imagine the audience naked. I mean, for Christ’s sake, don’t be a fucking pervert! Now go get ‘em, son!