Euro2012 rolls along, enthralling soccer fans everywhere with an acceptable amount of the world's most beautiful and also most toucy-feely sport.
An awkward moment unfolded during Portugal's quarterfinal match today involving the team's unenigmatic and widely proclaimed "World's smartest man," Crisitano Ronaldo.
Following a muffed dribble into the opposing defense, Ronaldo thrilled fans both at home and abroad by, as one official put it, "Falling over nothing and acting like an epileptic for several minutes."
Ronaldo then exclaimed, "He can't talk to me like that when I'm in the box! That's a penalty shot!." Adding, "You wouldn't let him talk to Lionel Messi like that!" After the head official told the star player to "Stop whining like a Frenchman," Ronaldo proceeded to stomp around the turf for an indeterminable amount of time.
When the official restarted the match and the players began to resume play around the phenom, who was just standing there with his arms crossed, Ronaldo chased down the closest referee, stole his red card, and ejected him from the game. Then, in a startling display of athleticism, the Portuguese talent wrestled the ball from his own teammate, placed it on the penalty spot, and laced a perfect shot into the corner of the net.
Finally, in a celebration worthy of such sports icons as Ty Cobb and John Rocker, Cristiano Ronaldo took off his shirt, shouted something in, as one American put it, "Whatever language they speak in wherever he's from," and flapped his arms like a bird of prey in the opposing goaltender's net until halftime.
The announcers hailed the episode as "Inspiring. Truly inspiring. An undeniably great day for football."