This week’s tweets are now available in a sugar-free version.
To the bastard who stole 200 cans of redbull from my house,— karanbir singh (@karanbirtinna) September 7, 2017
How do you sleep at night ?
the second you think you have figured out what twitter women find sexy they post "mr bean can get it" and 100 women agree— master cheif halo (@bransonbranson) August 18, 2017
trolled the waiter at this restaurant into thinking i want a salad. now i have to eat this shitty ass salad. trolling sucks— derek (@eedrk) September 12, 2017
what if birds had nipples. what then— madds (@whatmaddness) September 6, 2017
Hello! You may remember me from such tedious arguments as the one we’re about to have again right now.— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) December 1, 2016
Top things to know about constipation:— ELDGE (@Sickayduh) September 11, 2017
1. There is no number 2
How can I be a misogynist if I live in my MOM's basement— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) September 12, 2017
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan't affect my wise counsel— Zach (@NamestartswithZ) March 27, 2017
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
In bed I’m like the Energizer Bunny: no one’s thought about me since 1997— REW (@therealeatwood) March 11, 2017
*Clears throat as if to announce something extremely important*— Jen Lewis (@thisjenlewis) June 28, 2017
"Jurassic Park" but the dinosaurs are from the ‘90s TV show "Dinosaurs" pic.twitter.com/PMhfbuUlbX
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?— Terry F (@daemonic3) September 11, 2017
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She'd never go out with me
The Emoji Movie and Pixels take place in the same universe. It's this one, and it's terrible.— Not Sara (@smithsara79) August 10, 2017
Why are hot dog buns sold in 8 but corn (what I put on hotdog buns) is sold alone or in larger/smaller amounts idk my mom does the shopping— MehGyver (@AndrewNadeau0) September 12, 2017
"why should i listen to your political views, you're just an artist"— Myq Kaplan (@myqkaplan) September 12, 2017
"why should i listen to your complaints, you don't know how art works"
get revenge on your childhood bullies by finding them, going to their house, and making out with them passionately because love conquers all— lovstructionist (@lovstructionist) June 5, 2017
Some people self-identify as I'm a hugger. I self-identify as I'm a nicknamer. Like Watch out, here comes low hugger lady.— Mary (@AnniemuMary) September 12, 2017
I swallowed a dictionary. It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.— Daniel Edison (@DanielEdison_) February 27, 2017
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They're already sexy.— danny (@Mardigroan) February 23, 2017
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman...i dunno if he's eating his vegetables or not— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) September 12, 2017
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
I'm just saying I don't think it would be all that hard to get out of a pickle— ß¡|| Evenson (@BillEvenson) August 13, 2017
Her: wanna be my +1 to this wedding— Kale Fist (@captainkalvis) September 12, 2017
Me [bad at math]: *sweating* maybe
[first day as car salesman]— THE Burger King (@ABurgerADay) July 14, 2017
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
If we raise men to be less aggressive and entitled who will staff mall kiosks— Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) September 2, 2017
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?— Todd 'Papi' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) September 12, 2017
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
My retirement plan is to just train a raccoon to steal me snacks and eventually die when he stops delivering.— WhatserName™ (@IamEveryDayPpl) September 9, 2017
iPhone— Scampi (@lmScampi) September 12, 2017
iPhone XO TOUR Llif3 Lil Uzi
2007: It's called a smart phone, it can do everything!— TechnicallyRon (@TechnicallyRon) September 11, 2017
2017: Stare into the nightmare rectangle and watch society collapse in real time