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March 09, 2011

The secrets of Tiger Blood had been under lock and key until recently exposed by a carrier of the rare genetic defect. Here is how Tiger Blood came to be.

Tiger Blood is more than a tonic, more than a potion, more than the strongest of pagan war drinks consumed by warriors who conquered, burned, and pillaged. It is a vehicle that transports those brave enough to dance with the red liquid beast to a superior state of being in both mind and body. Not many men have been able to consume this poison and live, and my friend it is just that, a poison to the weak, the feeble and the coward. But to the man-Gods who walk among us it is the truth, the liberator, and the destroyer all in one.

The roots of this drink can be traced back to the deserts, jungles, and plains in which the average man was stuck in an uninspired, pathetic existence. During this early period, before the written word was used to record histories, there existed a handful of men who had no allegiance to anyone but themselves. They did not live in fear of death like the typical slob; they were not subservient to any ruler no matter the size of his Army; no fortress built could protect those with its walls.

When the stars aligned great man-Gods met on common ground in a fleeting moment of peace to trade ideas with one another about their own particular style of martial arts, sexual positioning, and war. After all these man-Gods had finished telling one another their own secrets concerning the science of conquering there was a long pause. One man, greater than all, appeared. This was Chucketh Adonis and he proclaimed, “I have been dead more times than you have killed; I have tasted the purest of water and wine, walked the surface of the sun and enjoyed the finest virgins from this planet and all the ones you will never live to see. I don’t sleep; I don’t eat; I raise the dead, and travel to other dimensions.”

The others stared at him in disbelief, who was he to question them? They were the greatest warrior-poets God had ever cursed man with. These claims he made had to be false, fore not even a man-God could do what he claimed. Chucketh Adonis questioned them on everything they knew, he knew more. He fought them each individually, then all at once, they all lost!!! Finally one of the man-Gods said, “What is your secret? How are you so much better than the best?” The great one replied “Tiger Blood.”

He then vanquished his lesser, allowing only the weakest to live. He forced the weakest to mate with the fattest trolls of the day. Chucketh Adonis bedded only the hottest of maidens, culling his offspring to produce only the best. Most commoners are descended from the troll-line. Those with pure Tiger Blood have been seen only a handful of times throughout our modern history. For those who don’t believe in its existence, consider these facts:

  1. 300 men faced certain death, they battled armies numbered in the thousands and prevailed. The Spartans had the “Tiger Blood”
  2. A group of men who rode on Horseback throughout the American desert fought an entire division of the US Army. They were never apprehended or defeated on the field of battle. There leader was Geronimo who had the vision, and the “Tiger Blood.”
  3. A vastly outnumbered Scottish force, led by a knight with epic resolve, routed an English army of 3,000 cavalry and 8,000 infantry against insurmountable odds. William Wallace had the “Tiger Blood.”
  4. Wile E. Coyote does not have the “Tiger Blood.”

A man-God walks among us today; his acts of bravery are well known by all. Charlie Sheen, descendant of the great Chucketh Adonis has the “Tiger Blood.”

Don’t live in the middle and get embarrassed in front of the prom queen. Take the chance at being a man-God, get the Tiger Blood!!