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April 29, 2012

An explanation of the best type of land by far no doubt in anyone's mind especially yours.

Someone once asked me what my favorite land was? Though I’m sure they were asking me what my favorite country and foreign land was, they worded it weird and asked me strangely so I answered just as strangely, if not more strangely. I told him my favorite land which I’ll reveal in a minute and he was obviously confused, so I explained myself. I said dreamland is cool, but can also be cruel, lonely, and terrifying if you run into a crazy nightmare. Plus awesome dreams always make you feel helpless and inept in some way when reality ends up striking.

Candyland is of course glorious, especially if you have a sweet tooth, but if you’re like me and have a fat cavity in your sweet tooth, it can be a different story. Wonderland is cool, Alice was chill but it all makes you wonder too much and I don’t know about you but my head starts to hurt after I do nothing but wonder for too long. Adventure land is always fun, but you usually have to go out and find the adventure and I’m super lazy so no thanks. Disneyland is supposedly the happiest place on earth, ya right, until you piss your pants right when you get there because Goofy violently pops out of nowhere and scares the Christ out of you. Unfortunately, you don’t have Billy Madison to save you like Ernie did so you have to play it cool all day long or until it dries, whichever comes first on a cold winter’s morning because the last thing you want is the rest of the kids on your 3rd grade camp field trip laughing at you again and calling me Pisto the Pants Pisser relentlessly until I cry and naively debate shoving a nail up my pee hole to devastatingly plug the problem and put an end to it happening again. Some of you are thinking, oh did you really do that?…haha, no, of course I didn’t do that……until I turned 13 when the kids were really mean and merciless, then I had to.

Um, anyway, mainland, wetland, farmland, grassland, heartland, swampland, timberland, and wasteland are all exhilarating and definite candidates, oh wait a second, no that’s not the case at all, they’re all terrible. However grassland might have some potential, that’s worth exploring later. I feel like zombie land might be related somehow to that one as well. Southland is like traveling to the depths of hell and inland seems like traveling into the gates of hell. I don’t know why it seems like that to me but it just does. Finland and New Zealand, if you guys weren’t so weird and off-putting you might have a chance, but then again who are we kidding, definitely not. Oakland…just explaining this one would be a complete disgrace, so I’m just gonna continue on. My buddy, Steve Quinland is kindof an emotional douche, and we only chill with him because he’s unassumingly woven his way into our friend circle after years of faithful service and most of my buddies could take em or leave em actually.

An island…islands are cool but too containing, restricting, and horrifying at times, especially when you are 9 years old in the Virgin Islands on a pleasant family vacation when Mongo, a 400 pound aggressive autistic local and battle axe of a man drunkenly mistakes you for the hooker who hangs around the hotel lobby at night probably because of your corn rows I convinced my parents to let me get earlier that day, whisks me away while I’m on my way to the vending machines for a chocolaty treat just before bed time. Passionately carries me back to his grungy hotel room and wastedly fires into me like I was a Kardashian sister and he was some famous ass-wad athlete trying to become more famous. Oh I got a chocolaty treat before bedtime alright. Instead of the Virgin Islands, it should be the no longer a virgin islands, so ya…to hell with islands.

Uh, okay anyway, Yogurtland, damn good…borderline better then Menchie’s and Pinkberry but although delicious and refreshing, it’s nothing more then high-volume doses of sugar and fat which along with sitting in your stomach and encouraging you not to be active, murders you slowly and sends you into permanent dreamland, which is far worse then any fictitious nightmare. Toy land is of course awesome and last October this could easily have taken the cake, but that’s just not the case now. However, traditionally, there are some babes in toy land so that one’s worth a second look. Neverland is cool, but you ask, when can I discover a place like this? Hmm, what’s today, Tuesday?…Never! The Lost Boys are lost in the head and the last thing you ever want to lose is your marbles, trust me…just ask Mongo.

So, in the end, with all these horrible lands to choose from, the obvious hands down choice for me is……Tivoland! Commercials blow a dong and fast forwarding through them is easily the greatest thing ever. It’s like my good friend Kumar Patel said, “freedom means nothing if you’re a slave to regular programming, I can promise you that.” I know that him and Harold have practically smoked themselves retarded, but he couldn’t be more right on about this one. Thanks bud.