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October 07, 2017
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Pilot Episode

COLD OPEN

INT. WHITE HOUSE - OPEN-PLAN OFFICE AREA - MORNING

JARED KUSHNER, IVANKA TRUMP, CHIEF OF STAFF JOHN KELLY, WHITE HOUSE COUNSEL DON MCGAHN, DONALD TRUMP, JR., and KELLYANNE CONWAY are all quietly sitting at their desks. McGahn is playing solitaire and looking bored. Kellyanne is scrolling on her phone. Ivanka is checking out pictures of cats on her computer and maintaining her posture, as John Kelly searches his desk drawer for Advil. Don, Jr., is squinting at a stationary Slinky.

Out of nowhere, Kushner stands on his chair and blasts an AIR HORN.

KUSHNER
Attention, everyone!

ALL
(reacting, “Jared!” “Come on!”)

KUSHNER
Pop quiz on the Order of Presidential Succession! Okay, first is President Trump, then Pence, then the Speaker of the House–who’s next? Ivanka, go!

IVANKA
(shakes head, shields eyes from camera)

KUSHNER
Kellyanne!

KELLYANNE
(furiously texting)
Shut up, Jared! God!

DON, JR.
(looking up from his Slinky)
China?

KUSHNER
False! McGahn!

MCGAHN
The ghost of Steve Bannon?

KUSHNER
Very funny, McGahn. The correct answer is Senate President Pro Tempore, then Secretary of State, then…

Kushner pulls out a CHEAT SHEET from his pocket, scans it briefly, then crumples it up and tosses it at John Kelly, hitting him in the head.

KUSHNER (CONT’D)
That must have been an outdated copy. I should be on there as Assistant President.

IVANKA
Assistant TO the President…

Everyone begins turning back to what they were doing before Kushner’s air horn, so Kushner blasts the AIR HORN again, to the dismay of all.

KUSHNER
I guess I’m the only one concerned about the continuity of government in the event something should happen to POTUS, god forbid.

MCGAHN
I’m definitely higher on the succession list than you.

KUSHNER
Fat chance. White House Counsel is probably somewhere between the gardener and Don, Jr.

Don, Jr., looks up from trying to stuff a POP-TART into his CD DRIVE.

MCGAHN
What if a nuclear bomb hit Washington, and I was the only survivor?

KUSHNER
Please, your face would melt off instantly.

MCGAHN
Or maybe the radiation would make me superhuman.

Kushner eyes McGahn with suspicion, like he thinks McGahn might be right.

KUSHNER TALKING HEAD
Fact: if anyone in this office is going to survive a nuclear war, it’s me. What these idiots don’t know is that I’ve been prepping a bunker in the basement of the White House for just such an occasion. I’ve got years worth of canned beans, ammo, jugs of water, batteries–plus all the Ivanka-branded stuff that the department stores sent back to us. So while LoserTown up here is getting reduced to a pile of radioactive dust, we’ll be riding out the nuclear winter in style!

ACT ONE

INT. WHITE HOUSE - OPEN-PLAN OFFICE AREA - MORNING

John Kelly is sitting at his desk, which abuts Ivanka’s, deeply focused on his computer screen, fingers on his temples.

PRESIDENT TRUMP barges into the office wearing a white golf shirt, khaki pants,
and a MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN hat, and carrying his GOLF CLUBS, which he absentmindedly drops on Ivanka’s desk, scattering several FRAMED PICTURES OF HER CATS and knocking John Kelly’s COMPUTER to the floor.

IVANKA
(shrieking in horror)
Dad!

PRESIDENT TRUMP
(ignoring the shrieking)
Everybody in the conference room, pronto! Emergency meeting!

KUSHNER TALKING HEAD
The President always calls an emergency meeting after he gets back from playing golf. One time it was because there were protesters on the course. Another time he didn’t think his golf cart was fast enough. Another time he accidentally played an entire round with his Docker pleat caught in an electric pencil sharpener. He fired the old chief of staff for that one.

INT. WHITE HOUSE - CONFERENCE ROOM

President Trump paces in front of a white board as the rest of the team slowly files in and takes their seats. Kushner, wielding a CLIPBOARD, stands next to him at the front of the room.

PRESIDENT TRUMP
Okay, apparently this Russia collusion witch hunt thing is still going on, so this afternoon, Robert Mueller and his team are coming here to interview me.

MCGAHN TALKING HEAD
Robert Mueller, you say? Special counsel, former head of the FBI? Evidently not a huge fan of colluding with foreign governments? Yes, I know him. We’ve been prepping for this meeting for weeks, actually. Want to know how it’s going?

McGahn produces a HUGE BOWL OF JELLY BEANS.

MCGAHN (CONT’D)
I bought a bag of 500 jelly beans, and I give one to the President every time he gets a question right.

McGahn, stone-faced, dumps the bowl out on the table in front of him.

MCGAHN (CONT’D)
Did that sound like 498 jelly beans? Well, it shouldn’t, because it was 500 jelly beans.

INT. WHITE HOUSE - CONFERENCE ROOM

PRESIDENT TRUMP
Think, everybody! What should I be watching out for here?

JOHN KELLY
That Congress could fire you and replace you with Pence.

PRESIDENT TRUMP
(disgusted)
You know what, JOHN? I just…I just hate your face so much. It’s such a stupid face. Look at the wall, now, for the rest of the meeting, so I don’t have to see your face.

John Kelly meekly walks over and stands facing the wall.

PRESIDENT TRUMP (CONT’D)
(whispering to Kushner)
God, even the back of his head is terrible.

KUSHNER
(yelling)
Does anybody have a hood we can throw over the Chief of Staff’s disgusting head?

DON, JR.
Jeff Sessions keeps a few spare hoods in the trunk of his car. I’ll just ask him on Twitter.

McGahn grabs the IPHONE out of Don, Jr.’s hands and throws it out an OPEN
WINDOW.

PRESIDENT TRUMP
Wait, McGahn, is that true that Congress could fire me and make Pence President?

MCGAHN
Definitely.

KUSHNER
Pfffffft–no way!

IVANKA
(panicking)
Well, someone needs to figure this out!

JOHN KELLY
(still facing the wall)
It’s already figured out. It’s in the Constitution.

PRESIDENT TRUMP
No more talking from John! Okay? You talk again, I burn this whole place to the ground!

DON, JR.
(with a toothbrush stuck up his nose)
What if you just fired Pence? Then they couldn’t replace you, right?

PRESIDENT TRUMP
Yes! I love that idea! Uh, Don, Jr., you’ve got a little, uh…you’ve got a…

President Trump points to his nose, then at Don, Jr., trying to subtly signal that Don, Jr., has a toothbrush stuck up his nose. Don, Jr., receives this as a gesture of affection, pointing at his own nose, and then back at President Trump.

DON, JR.
(smiling earnestly)
Right back at ya, Dad!

MCGAHN
Listen, you can’t fire Pence.

KUSHNER
Shut it, Poindexter! What law is it against?

MCGAHN
All of them. Every single law. Constitutional law. Criminal law. Vance Law. L.A. Law.

KUSHNER
He’s lying! Those aren’t real laws!

PRESIDENT TRUMP
Quiet everyone, I just need a minute to think!

Everyone shifts in their seats nervously. President Trump paces. Kellyanne checks her IPHONE and sighs with disgust. She walks over to the wall and shows her SCREEN to John Kelly.

KELLYANNE
(whisper-shouting)
John, you’re not following me?! Why aren’t you following me?!

JOHN KELLY
I don’t understand what a possible answer to that question would be.

DON, JR.
(suspiciously, to the room)
Hey, who’s that guy, and why’s he here?

IVANKA
(mortified)
That’s a painting of George Washington…

PRESIDENT TRUMP
Okay, okay, okay! Everybody shut up! I think I’ve got it. I think what I need to do in this situation is…fire Pence.

ALL
“No!” “Don’t do that!” “This is a bad idea!”

DON, JR.
Yes! Suck it, McGahn!

President Trump heads for the door.

PRESIDENT TRUMP
(yelling above the protests)
That’s it! Decision’s made! HEAR YE, HEAR YE! THE PRESIDENT HAS SPOKEN!

INT. WHITE HOUSE - KITCHENETTE - MINUTES LATER

Don, Jr., is holding a plate piled high with FROZEN CHICKEN NUGGETS, staring intensely at the office MICROWAVE, seemingly trying to muster up courage.

DON, JR.
(whispering to himself)
Come on, Don, Jr. You can do this…

Suddenly, he leaps forward, shoves the nuggets in, hits the START button, and immediately shoves his fingers in his ears and yells “LA LA LA LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU LA LA LA LA”.

DON, JR., TALKING HEAD
One thing they don’t tell you when you arrive at the White House is that the microwave sounds EXACTLY like the opening of Jackson Browne’s “Doctor My Eyes.” You know what I’m talking about: br-OOOOOOOM…BOOOOOM… BOOOOOOOOM. I use the microwave A LOT, and so I end up with that song stuck in my head pretty much every single day. It’s starting to get on my nerves.

INT. WHITE HOUSE - KITCHENETTE

Don, Jr., is smiling and squeezing MAPLE SYRUP onto his CHICKEN NUGGETS after successfully avoiding the Jackson Browne microwave. Ivanka walks in while Don, Jr., is focused on the syrup, shoves a mug in the microwave, and hits START (”br-OOOOOOOM”).

DON, JR.
(throwing the Aunt Jemima across the kitchenette)
Dang it, Ivanka!!

INT. WHITE HOUSE - HALLWAY/COPY ROOM

Kushner is walking down the hallway, when McGahn reaches out from the copy room, grabs Kushner’s arm, and pulls him in.

KUSHNER
Unhand me, ruffian!

MCGAHN
(whispering)
We can’t let him fire Pence!

KUSHNER
Why not? We’d both move up the Order of Presidential Succession.

MCGAHN
Come on, we can’t have a Constitutional crisis on top of…our other Constitutional crisis!

KUSHNER
Okay, okay, FINE.

Kushner checks his watch.

KUSHNER (CONT’D)
Let’s see…it’s about time for the President’s snack, then he’s down for a nap, then FOX News over first lunch, then he yells at a picture of Obama for about 10 minutes, then yells/cries at a picture of his dad, and then…

MCGAHN
…and then he walks around looking for someone to fire.

KUSHNER
You’re right. We need to hide Pence.

MCGAHN
Can we use your bunker?

KUSHNER
Wait, you know about that?

MCGAHN
Ivanka just announced a line of luxury “End-of-Times” Bunker Socks, so I figured.

John Kelly walks into the copy room holding a DOCUMENT, looking to use the copier.

JOHN KELLY
Oh, hey, guys. What are you talking about?

KUSHNER
Nothing. You. Your mother.

MCGAHN
Listen, we’re going to need you to distract the President for a few minutes.

JOHN KELLY
No way, it’s almost the time of day when he fires people. He already hates me.

KUSHNER
No, of course not! Don’t be so hard on yourself, General. The President doesn’t hate you. I hate you. So does the President.

MCGAHN
We just need a few minutes, John. Please, this is really important. All of our jobs are at stake.

JOHN KELLY
Okay, I guess so. What should I tell him?

MCGAHN
I’m sure you’ll think of something.

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO

INT. PENCE’S OFFICE

PENCE is sitting at his desk, ramrod straight, with his jaw clenched and eyes closed. McGahn peeks around the corner of the door frame.

MCGAHN
Uh, excuse me, Mr. Vice President?

PENCE
(without moving)
One second, I’m detumescing.

MCGAHN
What?

PENCE
I had an impure thought about Candice Bergen, and now I’m trying to reverse blood flow from my sinful regions.

MCGAHN

PENCE
(fighting back tears)
It was Murphy Brown-era. (whisper-praying) Forgive me….

Kushner walks into Pence’s office.

KUSHNER
Oh, there you are, Mr. Vice President!

MCGAHN
Shhh! He’s detumescing.

PENCE
(opens his eyes and smiles pleasantly)
Done. What can I do for you gentlemen?

McGahn and Kushner exchange a glance.

MCGAHN
Uh…we, uh, we have a, uh, a secret project for you…

KUSHNER
TOP secret.

MCGAHN
That’s right! Top secret, direct from the President, especially for you.

PENCE
A top secret project! This sounds exciting, but in a moral way!

INT. WHITE HOUSE - OPEN-PLAN OFFICE AREA

Don, Jr., is sitting at his desk and talking on his IPHONE.

DON, JR.
Yes, hello, is this Samsung? Yes, every time I start your microwave it sounds like a Jackson Browne song, and I need it to stop. (beat) No, “Doctor My Eyes,” but if you have a model that sounds like “Somebody’s Baby,” then you have my full attention.

PRESIDENT TRUMP TALKING HEAD
Sure, I get that firing Pence is a big deal. But what most people don’t know about the Presidency is that sometimes in this role you have to be decisive. You have to think big. Because people are always going to pooh-pooh the big ideas. Man on the moon? People pooh-poohed it, thought Einstein was crazy. Ending slavery? Literally not one person alive wanted that outcome. But when the President opens his mouth, and those big ideas come out? Suddenly all those other pooh-poohs seem small by comparison.

JOHN KELLY TALKING HEAD
Oh, firing Pence is a terrible idea. Among the worst ideas I’ve ever heard, actually, and I was at Grenada.

KUSHNER TALKING HEAD
Of course it’s a bad idea to fire Pence. But so what? (sarcastically) “Oh no, don’t kick me out of the White House!” Fact: I have millions of dollars. My family owns tons of real estate. I even own a newspaper. I call it the Beat Farm.

INT. PENCE’S OFFICE

President Trump, fresh off his snacks/nap/yelling/crying, enters Pence’s empty office, looking angry and ready to fire the VP.

PRESIDENT TRUMP
Pence! Where’s Pence?

President Trump starts looking around for Pence: under the desk, behind the door, in a file cabinet.

PRESIDENT TRUMP (CONT’D)
Where the hell is Pence!?

John Kelly enters.

JOHN KELLY
Hi, Mr. President.

PRESIDENT TRUMP
What do you want, and it better not be anything!

JOHN KELLY
Sir, there’s an important phone call for you in the Oval Office.

PRESIDENT TRUMP
Is it Pence? Tell him I’m looking for him.

JOHN KELLY
No, it’s, um, the Prime Minister of, uh, Nurkistan.

JOHN KELLY TALKING HEAD
It’s just my buddy, Jeff, posing as the prime minister of a fake country. Look, I would have tried harder if I needed to.

INT. PENCE’S OFFICE

PRESIDENT TRUMP
Tell him to call me back.

JOHN KELLY
He’s a big fan, sir, said he was calling about business, something with a hotel and a beauty pageant, I think?

PRESIDENT TRUMP
Okay, okay! Will taking this call make you leave me alone?

JOHN KELLY
I guess so.

PRESIDENT TRUMP
Will it give you dysentery?

JOHN KELLY
No.

PRESIDENT TRUMP
Nothing is working out for Trump today!

INT. WHITE HOUSE - SOMEWHERE IN THE DEPTHS

Kushner is leading Pence and McGahn down a narrow, dimly lit hallway.

PENCE
You’re sure the President told you down here.

KUSHNER
Yes sir, Mr. Vice President. It’s right around the corner here.

Kushner stops in front of a stainless steel door and keys in. There is a strong suction sound upon opening.

KUSHNER (CONT’D)
And what do you know, my key works!

Pence walks in to appraise the room. It’s full of canned goods, water, magazines, and boxes marked NORDSTROM, MACY’S, etc.

PENCE
Is this a nuclear bunker?

KUSHNER
(nervously)
Haha! Oh, boy. Get a load of this guy. Good one, Mr. Vice President!

Pence continues nervously surveying the room.

MCGAHN
So, we’ll give you a chance to get settled in here–looks like there’s plenty of room for you to fashion a makeshift chair out of these stacks of magazines, maybe clear out a spot on this shelf for a computer or pack of Slim Jims or Bible…

PENCE
Are you absolutely sure the President said this room in particular, guys?

KUSHNER
Oh, definitely. Think of this as like the inner sanctum of the White House.

MCGAHN
And while we’re gone, maybe think about sprucing up your workspace a little, because this right here? This is no way to start a top secret national security project.

PENCE
They say cleanliness is next to godliness.

MCGAHN
And here you are, right next to the Lysol wipes.

INT. WHITE HOUSE - OVAL OFFICE

President Trump is at his desk, on the phone.

PRESIDENT TRUMP
(into the phone)
Listen, your entire country is a disaster, everyone knows it. If you’re looking for sympathy, you should go call Trudeau or Macron. I think they’re at Obama’s house, practicing for their new boy band. They’re called Heartz of State. First single is “Girl, U Warm My Climate”.

McGahn cautiously enters.

PRESIDENT TRUMP (CONT’D)
(into the phone)
Okay, I’m hanging up now. This has been awful.

President Trump slams down the phone.

MCGAHN
Was that the Prime Minister of Nurkistan?

PRESIDENT TRUMP
No, that was China. They beeped in.

MCGAHN
Wha–

PRESIDENT TRUMP
Did you find Pence, like I asked you?

MCGAHN
No, sir, he must be…out sick.

PRESIDENT TRUMP
Doesn’t matter. I just fired him a minute ago on Twitter.

MCGAHN
You what?!

PRESIDENT TRUMP
Dictated it to Don, Jr., while I was on the horn with China. All caps: “FIRING MIKE PENCE.”

McGahn pulls out his phone and sees a Twitter notification from @realdonaldtrump: “FIRE IN MY PANTS”

Suddenly, Kushner rushes into the Oval Office, slightly out of breath.

KUSHNER
Mr. President? Robert Mueller is here.

INT. WHITE HOUSE - OPEN-PLAN OFFICE AREA

John Kelly is seated at his desk, focused on work. Don, Jr., approaches, holding an IPHONE to his ear.

DON, JR.
Make me nachos.

JOHN KELLY
Why can’t you make your own nachos?

DON, JR.
Because of Jackson Browne. I’m on hold with Samsung about it right now. But in the meantime, I lack nachos. Make me the nachos.

JOHN KELLY
I’m not making you nachos.

John Kelly’s desk phone starts ringing.

JOHN KELLY (CONT’D)
Listen, I need to take this. (Picking up the phone.) Hello?

Don, Jr., is holding a SECOND IPHONE up to his other, non-Samsung ear, which he is using to call John Kelly’s desk phone.

DON, JR.
(through the phone)
MAKE ME NACHOS.

JOHN KELLY
How many of those god damn things do you have?

IVANKA TALKING HEAD
In a place as corrupt as Washington, you need someone to act as a moral compass for the office. That’s my role, and it’s why my father has asked me to sit in on this Bob Mueller interview. You know, I see so many disgusting displays around here–fewer since Scaramucci and Bannon got fired, admittedly–but there needs to be someone in the White House upholding some manner of…decorum. Which, incidentally, is the name of my new fragrance. That’s Decorum by Ivanka. It smells like a combination of lilacs and rigidity.

INT. WHITE HOUSE - CONFERENCE ROOM

President Trump, Ivanka, Kushner, and McGahn are seated at one side of a long conference room table. ROBERT MUELLER and his team of acolytes, holding stacks of BINDERS and LAPTOPS, enter the conference room.

MUELLER
Good afternoon, Mr. President.

PRESIDENT TRUMP
Oh god, don’t do that–(in a mocking voice) “Good afternoon, Mr. President”–don’t do that. Listen, I don’t like you, and you don’t like me, so let’s just cut the crap.

MUELLER
Fine by me, Mr. President.

MUELLER and his team take a second to settle in at the conference table, flipping open laptops, adjusting chairs, etc.

PRESIDENT TRUMP
You ready to do this thing, narc?

MUELLER
Excuse me?

MCGAHN
(jumping in, trying to keep this thing on the rails)
Uh, I think we’re ready to proceed, so Mr. Mueller, sir, if you’re ready, I think we should go ahead and get things started.

MUELLER
I think that’s a good idea.

PRESIDENT TRUMP
Let’s do it, BOB. I’m ready. Hit me. Hit me Bobby one more time.

MUELLER
Mr. President, did anyone from your campaign have any contacts with Russia during the 2016 election?

PRESIDENT TRUMP
Pass.

MUELLER
You can’t pass–this isn’t Boggle.

PRESIDENT TRUMP
Okay, fine! But that is such an unfair question. I don’t know, I mean…maybe? My wife is from one of those countries that used to be Russia. Every time I talk to her through her lawyer, am I colluding?

MUELLER
(peering over his glasses)
Answer the question, Mr. President.

PRESIDENT TRUMP
I mean, I talk to a lot of people! How am I supposed to know if some guy is Russian or just some angry, pasty American with a speech impediment?

KUSHNER
Maybe he has an unusually large tongue, say.

PRESIDENT TRUMP
Exactly! And it’s not like you can just ask to see his tongue.

INT. PENCE’S BUNKER

Pence jiggles the doorknob, slowly realizing he’s locked in. He climbs over stacks of CANNED BEANS and boxes of RETURNED PENCIL SKIRTS looking for cell reception.

Pence grabs a TRUMP-BRAND HAND TRUCK DOLLY and carefully positions it under a tall STACK OF BOXES. As he pulls back to lift the cases, the dolly snaps and Pence crashes to the floor.

INT. WHITE HOUSE - CONFERENCE ROOM

Mueller and his associates are still grilling President Trump. One of the underlings hands Mueller a MANILA FOLDER. He pulls out a SINGLE SHEET OF PAPER and slides it across the table to President Trump.

MUELLER
Can you please state for the record what this is?

PRESIDENT TRUMP
(glancing at the paper, barely)
Uh…looks like some sort of paper or something. Possibly a rag, or a small poster. Not really sure.

MUELLER
It’s an email from Mr. Kushner to your campaign manager at the time, Mr. Manafort, copying you, your sons, your daughter, and basically every senior member of your staff.

PRESIDENT TRUMP
(feigning boredom)
If you say so, narc.

MUELLER
Do you even know what that word–you know what, nevermind. Why don’t you just read the highlighted portion aloud?

PRESIDENT TRUMP
(audibly sighing)
Uhhhhh…okay, da da da, here we go: ‘Where are we on Project COLLUDE? This is top priority. Repeat: drop everything to pursue Project COLLUDE.’ Are we about done? This is taking forever.

MCGAHN TALKING HEAD
So, “Project COLLUDE” was the name of the campaign’s recycling initiative.

McGahn holds up a POSTERBOARD with the acronym COLLUDE at the top: COLLect, reUse, reDuce, Educate.

MCGAHN (CONT’D)
The whole thing was Ivanka’s idea. In retrospect, we could have picked a less damaging acronym, like “Project TREASON” or “Project INFANTICIDE”. OR ANY OTHER ARRANGEMENT OF LETTERS OR SYMBOLS IN ANY KNOWN LANGUAGE, actually. Even Don, Jr.’s idea would’ve been better. He also suggested “Project COLLUDE,” only he spelled it with a ‘K’. And a ‘7’.

INT. WHITE HOUSE - OPEN-PLAN OFFICE AREA

Don, Jr. is still hashing things out with Samsung customer service.

DON, JR.
(getting angrier)
…because every time I use it I end up with “Doctor My Eyes” in my head for the rest of the day, that’s why! ‘More like ‘Doctor My Ears’’? I don’t even understand what that means. Look, somebody over there knows what’s going on! Let me speak to the person in charge. Yes, of Samsung. No, I don’t speak Korean, that’s not even a real language.

INT. PENCE’S BUNKER

Pence, clad in an “IT”-monogrammed bathrobe, is eating a CAN OF BEANS and flipping through a MAGAZINE, with his feet in a FOOT BATH.

INT. WHITE HOUSE - CONFERENCE ROOM

Mueller and President Trump are in the middle of a heated exchange.

MUELLER
…Well, surely you’re aware of them now, Mr. President. And I’m asking you when, approximately, did you become aware of Mr. Manafort’s financial ties to Ukraine and Russia?

PRESIDENT TRUMP
Maybe you should ask your boyfriend, Jim Comey!

President Trump, visibly flustered, wipes SWEAT off his forehead and onto the shoulder of Kushner’s SUIT JACKET.

MCGAHN
I think the President could use a five minute break, Mr. Mue–

MUELLER
–Mr. President, I’m going to ask you again, when did you become aware of these financial ties between Russia and your campaign?!

PRESIDENT TRUMP
(indignant, breaking)
You know, it’s hard being President! Okay? Did I need this? NO. I did not. I did it for the people of this great nation, alright? I sacrificed! I lived in a golden tower, and now I’m here with you people! What about you, BOB? Huh? Have you ever sacrificed anything for your country?

MUELLER
I earned a Purple Heart in Vietnam.

PRESIDENT TRUMP
God, Jared, research much?!

KUSHNER
Sorry…

MCGAHN
Can we please, please take a five minute break?!

MUELLER
(frustrated)
Fine, five minutes!

INT. WHITE HOUSE - HALLWAY

President Trump, Kushner, McGahn, and Ivanka spill into the hallway.

PRESIDENT TRUMP
What the hell is happening in there? This is a complete disaster!

IVANKA
(to McGahn)
This is all your fault!

MCGAHN
MY fault!?

IVANKA
We wouldn’t be in this mess if you’d spent more time boning up on the front end!

PRESIDENT TRUMP
That’s what she said.

KUSHNER
Listen, we need to stop bickering here and come up with some sort of plan. Let’s just go back in there and say there’s a national security event–like a nuclear missile launch or whatever–and you have to stop to go take care of it?

MCGAHN
Do NOT do that.

IVANKA
I agree with Jared. We can get the soldier, the nuclear football guy, to barge into the meeting. We all run out. Easy peasy!

MCGAHN
How about instead of faking the end of the world, we go back in there and just get through these last few questions like we practiced. Come on, Mr. President! You can do this! You won an Emmy, for Christ’s sake!

KUSHNER
False, he did not win an Emmy.

PRESIDENT TRUMP
McGahn’s right. About everything, particularly the Emmy. It’s okay, I can do this.

MCGAHN
Yes, you can. You can do this. Remember: if Mueller could prove anything, he wouldn’t need to ask you about it.

PRESIDENT TRUMP
(psyching himself up)
That’s right. He doesn’t know anything. I can do this. I’m cool. I can handle it. I’m the President of the United (bleeping) States.

END OF ACT TWO

ACT THREE

INT. PENCE’S BUNKER

Pence is wearing an exfoliating MUD MASK and playing solitaire. Suddenly, he hears a key opening the door, and in pops Don, Jr., looking a little sheepish upon seeing Pence, like he’s interrupting something private.

DON, JR.
Oh! Sorry…I was just…looking for some…packing tape.

PENCE
I think there’s some right over on that shelf, behind the dehydrated carrots.

Don, Jr., hesitantly walks over and takes a roll of packing tape off the shelf, as Pence continues playing solitaire.

PENCE (CONT’D)
Is there anything else?

DON, JR.
No…I guess not.

PENCE
Thanks for stopping in.

DON, JR.
Hey, I think my dad is talking to that guy Mueller right now. Do you want to go be part of that meeting?

PENCE
No, no. I’m all set here. Thanks, though.

DON, JR.
Okay, I’ll just see you around, I guess.

PENCE
(leaning back, placing cucumbers over his eyes)
Yep. Sure thing.

Don, Jr., slowly leaves the bunker and seals the door behind him.

INT. WHITE HOUSE - CONFERENCE ROOM

President Trump, Ivanka, Kushner, and McGahn walk back into the conference room after settling down in the hallway, looking relatively composed.

MCGAHN
Thanks for that, Mr. Mueller.

MUELLER
Feeling better?

MCGAHN
Yes, sir, I think we’re good to resume.

The White House officials return to their seats at the conference table. Mueller wastes no time diving back in.

MUELLER
Mr. President, what can you tell me about the June 2016 meeting at the Trump Tower–

PRESIDENT TRUMP
(calmly)
–That’s a nice tie.

MUELLER
Oh–okay. Uh, thank you, Mr. President. My wife picked it out. Now if you could please address the question–

PRESIDENT TRUMP
–Where’d she get it, Narcs 5th Avenue?

MUELLER
Jesus Christ.

McGahn’s head drops into his hands.

KUSHNER
Narcstrom?

PRESIDENT TRUMP
Nieman Narcus?

MUELLER
Do you understand that I’m not a narcotics officer?!

McGahn quickly pulls out his IPHONE and waves it in the air.

MCGAHN
Uh, national emergency! Emergency here! Sorry, we’re going to have to cut this short, but we’ve got an, uh, an imminent national security threat! Big problem, sorry, Mr. Mueller, we’ll have to do this another time! Top secret threat! Alright, Mr. President, off we go!

McGahn begins ushering President Trump out of the room, as Ivanka and Kushner follow.

PRESIDENT TRUMP
(leaving the room, calling over his shoulder)
Yeah, sorry guys, this sounds dangerous–careful on the way home! Watch out for those nukes!

Mueller and his squad shake their heads, not buying it.

INT. WHITE HOUSE - KITCHENETTE

Don, Jr., is packing the MICROWAVE into a box, stuffing BUBBLE WRAP around it.

Don, Jr., is bent over, putting PACKING TAPE around the seams of the box. When he tries to stand up, the BOX tips over, as he has taped his HAND to the side of the box.

DON, JR., TALKING HEAD
I tried having Samsung listen over the phone, but they “claim” they can’t hear “Doctor My Eyes”. So I’m shipping this thing straight to headquarters. Your move, Jackson Browne!

INT. WHITE HOUSE - OPEN-PLAN OFFICE AREA

Don, Jr., at his desk, opens a drawer that is full of IPHONES. He pulls one out at random and composes a tweet that reads: “@Samsung: WARNING: just sent nuking device to Korea. Cover your ears!”

INT. WHITE HOUSE - OVAL OFFICE

President Trump, Ivanka, McGahn, and Kushner are gathered in the Oval Office. All but McGahn are having a laugh about their narrow escape from Mueller and his team. McGahn is rubbing his temples.

PRESIDENT TRUMP
(nudging McGahn and laughing hysterically)
…You should have seen the look on Mueller’s face!

MCGAHN
(not amused)
Yep, I saw it.

PRESIDENT TRUMP
“Derrrrrr, I’m Bob Mueller!”

Ivanka, Kushner, and President Trump bust up laughing even harder.

IVANKA
Priceless!

PRESIDENT TRUMP
It was just like that, wasn’t it!?

KUSHNER
“Derrrrrr, I’m Bob Mueller!”

PRESIDENT TRUMP
(turning annoyed)
Yeah, I just did that, Jared.

MCGAHN
Listen, we’re not through with this. Mueller will be back, and we’re gonna need to work on our responses, Mr. Pres–

KUSHNER
–”Derrrrrr!”

PRESIDENT TRUMP
“Derrrrrr!”

Ivanka, Kushner, and President Trump are beside themselves laughing.

Suddenly, a soldier with THE NUCLEAR FOOTBALL handcuffed to his arm bursts into the Oval Office in a panic.

SOLDIER
(panting)
Mr. President! You’re needed in the Situation Room immediately! We just received word that North Korea has launched what they claim is a nuclear counterstrike, SIR!

Everyone slowly stops laughing, as they stare at the SOLDIER, who is still huffing and standing at attention. They all sit like that for a long beat. Then President Trump stands and walks over to the soldier, and claps him on the back.

PRESIDENT TRUMP
You’re late, sergeant! Mueller’s already gone. Good delivery, though. Very convincing. Alright, I’m gonna play 9 holes before dinner. Nobody call me.

President Trump walks out of the Oval Office, leaving the soldier standing at attention.

END OF ACT THREE

TAG

INT. PENCE’S BUNKER

Pence is lying back in a recliner, still clad in his plush robe and bunker socks, still in his mud mask with cucumbers over his eyes.

A HUGE NOISE that sounds suspiciously like a NUCLEAR EXPLOSION interrupts his nap, and he shoots up, and the cucumbers fall off.

PENCE
What in the hell was that?

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