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Stats & Data

August 25, 2010

Since I’ve lost my internet capabilities recently due to a malfunctioning wireless card, I have been unable to continue my fanatical stealing of online music.  This tragedy has unfortunately forced me to listen to the radio far more than I usually do and I’ve noticed a disturbing trend.  A lot of the rap sounds the same.  In fact it sounds like they have been following a set pattern to achieve their monetary results.  It’s as if they’re taking part in the “paint by numbers” of the music world.  Here’s a few of the steps to writing a radio-worthy rap song.

1. Give dance directions in your song:

It’s like affirmative action for white people.  Why do you think we honkeys like “music” involving accordions and some old guy screaming his dentures out into a mega phone with directions?  And by directions I mean a secret, coded white person message that only fogeys & hicks can properly interpret.  What the hell is a “dosey do,” you might ask?  It’s like “the Cupid Shuffle” for whiteys.  We don’t want to have the burden of proof put on us to have to show the world we can dance.  If we can blend in with 20 other lames on the dance floor doing the “Crank That Solja Boy” dance we’ll feel less like Billy Ray Cyrus & more like K-Fed in his pre-Fat Camp days.

2. Talk about how rich you are:

Saying “Maybach Music” 14 times in the 1st 38 seconds of your song doesn’t make me marvel at your personal wealth.  In fact, it makes me hope you wrap your “Maybach” around a tree and the people from On-Star can’t hear you give the directions to where your femoral artery is bleeding out.  And that your CD player in the car keeps skipping so that your heart stops beating while hearing “Maybach Music” repeating over & over.  I understand that rap’s all about bragging rights & one-upping your competitors, but stop talking about how you get bottle service at the club.  Spending $120  on a bottle of Patron isn’t gangster…it’s a waste of “make it rain” money.  Seriously you know how many silencers for assault rifles you can buy if you avoid the $2,200 bar tabs?  Me neither.  Ask T.I.

3. Brutally Murder the English Language:

“Fresh Az I’m Iz”, “The Way I’m Are” and my personal favorite “Is You Is Or Is You Ain’t” are all prime examples of rappers taking massive craps on English Teachers all over.  Nelly, who will probably name his 1st born child “lkjhgfdghj”, and claim that in The Lou it’s pronounced “Ralph”, has undoubtedly driven his grammar-school teachers to ritualistic suicide.  The Ying Yang Twins famously lent their mathematical insight to the song “Get Low” by stating that “we done been to the club bought fiftyleven times”.  I’m not sure how many times that actually is, but I bet these guys are fiftyleven points below average on the IQ scale.  I’d reference their SAT scores, but they probably just used their tests for rolling papers.

4.  Have Some Moron Talk For a Minute to Start the Song:

Without a doubt the cushiest job in  the rap game today is the member of any rappers posse that gets to be the guy narrating the first 30 seconds of a rap song.  The bottom line is that I don’t care what Paul Wall’s favorite liquor store employee has to say during the intros to his song.  While it is a great way to fill time, it’s more annoying than a “Head On” commercial.

6. When All Else Fails, Steal…er, “sample” some tunes:

Will Smith, Kanye and P. Diddy all hijack beats.  Sure they throw their own words on over the songs but virtually anytime you turn on an 80?s station you’ll hear what sounds like the background music to a Kanye West smash single.    These guys have billions of dollars at their disposal, studios that are fancier than a NASA command center, and all the talent in the world at producing new stuff.  And yet. . .they sample from guys like Cameo.  Will Smith, who’s album “Big Willy Style” had more samples than a Hy-Vee on Sunday was over 50% samples.  Turns out “Big Willy” is about as original as Milli Vanilli.

In Conclusion:

I love rap.  I love Hip-Hop.  But “rappers” like Solja Boy, Ke$ha, and friends all seem to have conspired to take a good music genre and generic the living hell out of it.  Step your game up, rappers.  Until then, I’ll be the guy pounding down liquor at the bar while everyone else gets out and does the “Electric Slide.”