Forbes released its 29th annual list of the world’s billionaires today and ooh baby there are a lot of people on it! 1,826 people to be exact, up from 1,645 last year. And each one of them 100% deserving of that incomprehensible amount of wealth through hard work and ingenuity, especially the ones who inherited it all. What a great time to be alive, right?
All the usual customers show up on the list. Of course, Bill Gates is #1 (worth $79.2 billion, if you’re into judging a person’s worth by the amount of money they have, which, in fact, is precisely what this list does). A whole lot of old white men make up the beef of the list, while a record 197 women (that’s 10.7%), up from 172 last year, round out the rest.
This is all par for the course, though. The real news is that His Airness, Michael Jordan, has found his way into the billionaires club. Ranking as the 1,741st richest person in the world, it’s only a matter of time before Jordan’s relentless and unparalleled competitive streak shoots him all the way to number one. Imagine: Jordan vs. Gates. Like a Jordan vs. Bird for the new millennium, only about watching two old dudes make a lot of money instead of two of the best athletes in the world playing a very entertaining game against each other.
Upon learning that he had made the Forbes list, Michael Jordan had to share it. The first person he sat down to let know of his new accomplishment was his old rival, Isiah Thomas.
How’re you doin’ — I’m a billionaire now! Yep, Forbes just released its list of the richest people who have 1,000,000,000 dollars or more and since I have more than 1,000,000,000 dollars in the bank, I guess they let me on it. Well, they didn’t let me on it; I deserve to be on it. I earned my spot and they had to put me on the list because I am good enough. Kind of like how I was good enough to be on the Dream Team. Do you remember the Dream Team? The best team to ever play basketball? We were pretty famous for a while. You weren’t on the team because you were not good enough and I’m just making sure you remember. Because the Dream Team is a lot like the Forbes list of billionaires.
I can’t tell you how honored I am to be ranked among the best businessmen and women in the world. I worked hard, I fought for it, and here I am. I wish I could tell you how I felt. Here’s an example: It’s like walking into the Olympic Stadium at the opening ceremony of the Summer Olympics. There you are, in front of the world, among the absolute best the world has to offer. While the people who are not good enough are at home and not allowed to come to the stadium and walk in. It’s illegal for them to do that.
And what’s cool is I’m not the only one on the list. There are others. We’re like a team, us Forbes billionaires. Like, for instance, you know how I wasn’t the only one on the Dream Team? There were other players. Charles Barkley. John Stockton. Heck, there was even this goofy guy named Christian Laettner who was on the Dream Team. He sucked and never played, but he was technically better than everyone else who wasn’t on the Dream Team. Everyone else who was not good enough got left home. The same way you don’t have one billion dollars, so you got “left home” off this Forbes list.
Listen, I’ve been talking to people here at Forbes (I live here now, pretty cool), and I told them that they should let you on the list. To be honest, I feel a little bad that you were never on the Dream Team and I want to make up for that. But the Forbes people said NO WAY because you don’t have 1,000,000,000 dollars. Not even close (how much money do you have? Just curious), which means you aren’t good enough to be on this list. Oh well, I tried. I love you Isaiah, never change!
Dream Team Gold Medal Winner 1992
Forbes List of Billionaires 2015