Full Credits

Stats & Data

August 18, 2010

Part of a series of tales to instill proper virtues in growing lads.

Every Saturday, after visiting the ol' fishin' hole, brothers Bobby and Billy would head to the local pharmacy to buy for themselves a couple of bags of toffee. This week though, after Billy got his bag of delicious toffees off the candy aisle shelf, Bobby marched down to the office supplies aisle and picked up a bag of erasers. They each paid for their items and left the store.

On the way home, Billy started eating his delicious toffees, while Bobby popped an eraser in his mouth, chewed it up, and swallowed.

"Delicious!" said Bobby.

"You ain't foolin' me," said Billy.

They got about halfway through their respective bags when a scruffy man wearing a small black mask with two eyeholes cut out of it, jumped out of the bushes, brandishing a revolver at the two young lads.

"Hand over alla yer money," snarled the dastardly fiend.

Bobby stepped forward, between his brother and the rogue. "I don't think so," he said, arms on his hips and chest puffed up full of the confidence that can only be mustered by America's soldiers, firefighters, or filthy drunkards.

"Have it yer way, chump!" sneered the bandit, and fired a shot right at Bobby's chest. With a loud BOING!, the bullet bounced off the young lad and onto the ground. The villain fired another shot, which also BOINGED off of Bobby's chest.

"That jest ain't right!" cried the scurrilous rogue, and dashed off into the bushes, never to be seen again.

"Golly!" said Billy to his brother, "Where'd you learn a swell trick like that?"

"Never you mind," said Bobby. But Billy couldn't help staring at the half-empty bag of erasers Bobby carried as they continued their trek back to their home.

Once home, they got a big piece of paper out from their huge drawing tablet and started drawing a picture of the amazing adventure they just had.

"Hey!" said Billy, "The thief never had a big mustache!"

"Perhaps you're right," said Bobby with a knowing wink, "Perhaps you're right!" He then rubbed his fingers on the mustache he had drawn on the bandit, and lo and behold, the mustache began to vanish!

"Those erasers you ate did something to you!" yelled Billy.

"Oh don't be preposterous," said Bobby, "You'll believe anything."

This infuriated Billy. "Oh yeah, well you can go take mother's rolling pin and shove it up y..." but Billy cut himself off, as their Aunt Agnes had entered the room. Dear old Aunt Agnes, who would have perchance found a suitor if it weren't for that enormous hairy wart on the end of her nose.

Bobby, seizing an opportunity to curry her favor said, "Aunt Agnes, if you'll allow me..." and rubbed his fingers briskly across the end of her nose. He handed a small mirror to Aunt Agnes who gasped with delight at the empty spot of skin where her wart had been moments before.

"Why you wonderful child!" exclaimed Aunt Agnes, "You've earned a gift!" She opened her purse and pulled out a brand new Red Ryder double-barrel twin-action BB gun and handed it to Bobby.

"That does it!" yelled Billy, and grabbed Bobby's bag of erasers. "Two can play this game!" He tossed an eraser in his mouth and quickly devoured it.

"No," cried Bobby, "You don't understand!" He tried to grab the bag of erasers back from Billy, but it was too late. Billy ran off to devour the rest of them.


Six hours later, after Billy's stomach had been pumped, Bobby sat next to his bed at the hospital.

"I... just wanted what you had," sighed Billy, his voice little more than a hoarse whisper.

"You poor misguided fool," said Bobby. "It was never the erasers that gave me those powers. See, earlier today while fishing, when you walked off to shake the dew off the ol' lily, I caught the biggest danged catfish you ever saw. But he talked to me like anyone else would and said if I let him go, he'd grant me three wishes. So I wished to be bulletproof like Superman! And to be able to erase things with my fingers, like a magician! And the third wish, which was most important to me, was to be able to eat erasers without any trouble, because I've always loved the smell of them. It wasn't the erasers that gave me the powers, it was the magic fish that let me eat erasers.

"I let the big ol' catfish go, and was gonna tell you, but shoot...I thought it would be fun to pull your leg for a while. I never thought my shenanigans would come to this."

"You... you... rapscallion," said Billy, as his last breath left him. And lo, verily did Billy's soul find no comfort, for cast into the Fires of Hell was he for the Sin of Envy. And for all eternity shall maggots consume him as his immortal soul burns forever.


Bobby never forgot the lesson learned that day. He grew up to be a prosperous dermatologist who cured many afflicted with unsightly blemishes, and, occasionally, would don a costume to protect his identity while fighting crime with his bulletproof body. But he never forgot what happened to his brother because of his little game, and never again played a prank on anyone.

After living a long and healthy life, Bobby departed this world at the ripe old age of ninety-six, a happy man. And lo, verily did Bobby's soul find no comfort, for cast into the Fires of Hell was he for making a deal with the Devil who had disguised himself as a common talking catfish. And for all eternity shall ravens peck out his eyes as his immortal soul burns forever as the biggest catfish you ever did see sits by the Lake of Fire laughing and cackling in its own evil delight.

And we leave this tale with a Moral Lesson: We must never eat erasers, as they are poison to the stomach. Instead, we must eat delicious toffees, which permit young boys the good humor to attend school alert and able as well as give their hair a healthy shine.

Sponsored by Werthers Candies. Werthers... an American Original since 1908.