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June 08, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. This is one of those days. He may or may not be incarcerated. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

In Syria, UN observers were blocked from investigating reports of a new massacre in the country. Too bad since they could've stopped it with their eye skills.

In related news, in a pre-recorded video for the CMTs, Mitt Romney said, "Boy, I thought the presidential race was a tough race, but it’s nothing compared to the politics at the CMT awards.” The audience responded with pre-recorded laughter.

The World Health Organization issued a warning about a drug-resistant strain of gonorrhea. A project Chris Brown considers a prologue to his next album.

Federal Reserve Chair Ben Bernanke said Europe's debt crisis “poses significant risks to the U.S. financial system.” Said Bernanke, "I also don't like how they think they have better cheese. They don't."

Bill Clinton apologized for suggesting the Bush tax cuts should get extended for the wealthiest Americans. Making this the second time he's publicly apologized for extensions.

The president of Estonia got into an argument on Twitter with the New York Times' Paul Krugman over an article criticizing his country's economy. Said the president of Estonia, "YOUR face stupid #ROFL"

Defense Secretary Leon Panetta commented that the U.S. is “reaching limits of patience as far as Pakistan is concerned.” However, Pakistan maintains that it just isn't ready to get a place together.

Over 2,000 former football players are suing the NFL for not addressing brain injuries brought on by the sport. Because the helmet requirement could've implied anything.

Sen. John McCain said the leaks about a U.S. cyberattack on Iran were “an attempt to further the president’s political ambitions…at the expense of our national security.” Adding, "What's next? Choosing an unknown Alaskan governor as your second-in-command?"

About 58 percent of high schoolers admit to texting or emailing while driving. So parents, please warn your children about the dangers of driving and talking to the president of Estonia.