"Hey group of excessively different group of ethnicities that somehow pulled off a Chuck Norris grade heist. I know you're enjoying the most perfect existence a person could hope for but there’s this highly decorated brilliant black ops soldier turned fiend taking out military stuff with tanks and shit you guys need to stop him… put aside your life for a moment and complete this one last job.
Look, I know you said you were done but the military needs you. It's legal this time! Incentive? How's about getting your dead girlfriend back for starters? Yeah... she's not dead! Crazy right? You knows what's crazy? Amnesia. Yep Amnesia, she's working for this guy and stopping him is the only thing that will bring her back to you. She doesn't remember you so don't remember about how insane it is that she's alive. Need more? Okay, you will be granted pardons but you’re doing it The Rock's way... until about an hour in where your team nay family comes together and does what it does best, make it past insane odds and not make a single mistake and you'll do it really fast and super furiouh (Al Gore voice from South Park)."
"Use your inexplicable knowledge about really specific shit that just happened. Which causes you guys to reveal more inexplicable even more obscure shit that helps you come up with your own plan that goes off with out a hitch and the bad guy is in custody. Wait what’s that? The bad guy abducted White guy’s girl? And The Rock's partner was a part of the plot all along? Here we go again, guys! Looks like the family just got a new member in The Rock.
TO THE AIRPORT! Where you will chase a huge plane at about 100 mph for 16 minutes (which is roughly 30 miles long) never reaching the end. All is well in the world except for Asian guy's girl friend she's dead, but we never see the body so you'll see her in the next steaming pile.
"Okay guys we’re back this is what I need you to do…
"White Guy- You've got a baby. Hold the baby, have the closest most romantic relationship 2 human beings can have and remember you got a kid now make every decision seem like it’s the hardest one you've made; you got a mouth to feed. No more shootin from the hip big guy you’re grown up and your character has come full circle. Except that one thing you that may or may not have done and hold yourself responsible for. Which is getting Functioning idiot's girlfriend fake killed. With that said, the guy that did it is in in jail, you used to be a cop so call in a favor, get yourself put in jail with a small window turn the odds of success to Chuck Norris Level, do some shit, and make it right. We need filler just go with it.”
“Functioning Idiot- drive, intimidate, come off as the most selfless person ever, razz your brother in law (White Guy) about cars use your nephew. It's endearing and people with spoilers will jump for joy and say "That's how I talk to my friends!" Act like the kid is yours don’t let the fact it’s IQ is higher than yours mess up the on screen chemistry. What’s that? An IQ is a measurement of a person’s knowledge. What’s that? Knowledge is something people learn… like facts and shit. Moving on, be the first to show and last to leave. Use broad corny lines from Charles Bronson movies. Punch people.”
“Rapper- say random gangsta shit, fill space found in weak plot points. Remember now you know computers when people ask you things already have the answer, clickity-clack, clickity-clack. Record something for soundtrack.”
“Black Guy 2- 2 things… keep the stereotypical hubris rolling and provide some comic relief through corny jokes as well as automotive/racing/driving sexual innuendo. Act like White Guy is your brother, try to talk shit and look to the floor every time you fail. P.S.- You'll fail every time except for the one you use on bad guy.”
“Asian guy and Asian guys girl- do menial tasks to help and do it on motorcycles that's your 'thing' this time. Oh yeah, and kiss."
"Asian guys girl- Remember just because you're dead doesn't mean you're dead."
“Steroid fueled military guy- make bold statements to compliment your fighting skills and show your allegiance to the principle of the crew as if you were all life long friends. Shoot straight and throw in a choke slam here and there. NOBODY TELLS YOU WHAT TO DO.... NOBODY!”
“Dead Girlfriend- Hey so we over reacted a bit and you’re not dead you just got a bump on your head, welcome back, now go be female functioning idiot.”
"Bad Guy- Go watch every action movie ever and do bad guy shit. One more thing... an accent. Any one will do."
“Kid from that football movie- cross your fingers maybe next time, look for Asian Guy and his girl… they’re in Tokyo.”
"Cast and Crew- Let's get this thing and make this one memorable Fast & Furious 7 started filming last week."