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August 11, 2015
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The Google Alphabet announcement is hard to understand and especially hard to understand if you're someone with a small enough brain to think calling someone a "faggot" is funny.

Google got a major makeover Monday when it announced it will be restructuring itself under the name Alphabet. This isn’t the kind of flashy makeover that Sandy got at the end of Grease when she decided that being slutty was the way to make friends, but more the attitude makeover Cady Heron went through during Mean Girls where she realizes how to better prioritize her relationships and personal goals.

Now those are references you, a smart, hip, millenial-esque reader can comprehend, but we want to make sure everyone is onboard about Google’s latest development. No, we’re not going to break this down to explain to your mother, because it’s 2015 and we don’t assume your mom has a needle brain that doesn’t understand technology. In fact, your mom is probably a #girlboss and runs her own tech startup.

What we’re going to do is break down this Google-Alphabet news so that the dude from your high school who thought it was exceptionally funny to call people “fag” will understand. Also we’re going to try and explain to him why calling people “fag” actually isn’t funny and is hurtful. Okay, here we go.


Sup numb-nuts, so you know Google, the website you use to search for porn and cool cars? It’s going through some changes. Don’t worry, you’ll still be able to find cool, new porn. We’re going to explain these changes to you, even though they don’t really affect your day-to-day life, they’re important to know about because one day all the Mountain Dew you’re drinking might give you diabetes and this development might actually help that. More on that later. Also, life is short and targeting people because of their sexuality and using hate speech is not a great way to spend it.

Google is a company, a company like Target, but bigger, if you can imagine. Target is known for selling clothes and laundry detergent but actually does a lot more than that. For example,Target also has an optometry branch and also there are usually in-store Starbucks. Google is similar in that you’re most likely using it to find information like when bars close, but they also own Youtube, where you can watch sick skateboarding fails and nasty cool covers of Evanescence songs. Another company Google owns is Life Sciences which has recently developed contact lenses that detect glucose levels in your eyes (this is where that Mountain Dew diabetes thing ties in that was promised earlier so stop geeking out like we don’t follow up on things, asshole.)

You know how some Targets are called Target Expresses? Well, they are, ya fuck. Target Expresses are smaller, more streamlined stores that are tailored to the communities they are in. So, if a Target Express was tailored to where you live, which is presumably your parent’s basement, it’d be fully stocked with cheese flavored chips and video games that let you kill a lot of people. Also, while we’re talking about that, there’s no need to call the call the imaginary people you’re slaying in these games “faggot.” The slur is incredibly offensive and also many people have been victimized and even killed because of their sexual orientation.

Google is Target Express-ing itself, so that it can pare down the company’s functions and focus on making them better. The other smaller, unrelated ventures that were once part of Google, like Life Sciences, will now be under a larger parent company, along with new, slimmer Google, that is called Alphabet. Each company will have its own CEO and overall be strive to be as dope as it can be. Alphabet gives these companies autonomy to achieve on their own while still benefiting from their relationship with Google.

That pretty much sums it up and you can go back to sniffing butts or whatever it is you’re into. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter what you’re into and I won’t shame you for your personal habits and desires. Maybe take a cue from this whole Google-Alphabet rearrangement and trust that those around you are capable of conducting themselves within their own best interest and you ought to respect that, loser.

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