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June 11, 2011

Tips on how to get a man on OK Cupid

1.  Great Profile Picture:  You should look twice as good in your picture as you do in real life.  With all the technological advances in photography, there's absolutely no excuse to have a bad profile pic.  A bad profile pic tells me that you're lazy.  Lazy isn't sexy.  Sexy is sexy.  Do you wear sweatpants to a job interview? No, then get your shit together.

2.  Borrrrr-ing:  Keep your answers short.  When they ask a self-summary, give a funny answer that doesn't make you sound boring or desperate. Or, worst of all, the cunty answer.  Don't be a cunt.


Funny Answer:  This is a real reply from a very hot and funny woman on OKCupid.  I do believe this stuff should be private, but I don't see this as harmful.  She is an example for all to follow:

I like:

making lists

crossing things off lists

googling things

taking things from the trash

watching people finish books

finding the perfect present

following recipes

going on roadtrips

drinking whiskey

returning lost items to their rightful owners

playing scrabble

pretending i can guess your shirt's fabric content

chewing gum

What did that tell us? She's smart, funny, and doesn't take herself too seriously.  She's not desperate and she's on OKCupid to have fun and go on dates.  She's not here to get married.  If it's more than a short paragraph I will immediately leave the page. 

Wrong Answer:  Anything that is longer than a sentence and isn't cute or funny is too long. 

Example 1:  (I grew up in New...): You already lost me

Example 2:  (I love my cats...): Nope

Example 3:  (I'm smart and beautiful and deserve the ...) Cunty

3.  Run-of-the-mill:  The most generic answer for "The most private thing I'm willing to admit" is, "I'm a lady" or "Not on this website".  This doesn't give the desired sassy effect.  It tells me you're unoriginal.  Have fun with this.  On my page, the most private thing I was willing to admit was, "I've killed a man".  That shit is hysterical.

4.  Be Asian:  There is a vast ocean of white men looking for Asian mates.  My prediction for the next generation is that it will be the best looking generation to date.  The recent spike in white-Asian, or cock-Asian, relationships will breed a new race of really, really good looking people.  I'm excited to be a dirty old man throughout this golden age of hotness. 

5.  I'm Really Good At:  Your answer to this should be short and ridiculous.  Example:  My answer is "Turning on a jukebox with the slight kick of my heel". This answer should be retarded.  This is a lay-up opportunity to make me laugh.  One girl said "telling stories". I will literally puke on my computer and punch my roommate in the testicles.  God I hate stories. 

6.  Cry For Help:  If you're using OKCupid to tell me how much you love getting hammered and stumbling home, I'm not going to be impressed.  Blackouts are not sexy.  Boasting about your blackouts is less sexy.  Don't support the evidence of your substance abuse with a slide show of sloppy nights.  Maybe I'm just old and boring.  Ya, I sound old here. 

7.  What the fuck is that shit!?!:  Why is there a dude in your photo?  Why is there a dude in any of your photos?  What are you trying to say?  "Look, I have a guy right here, so if you don't wanna email me I'll be fine.  I'm so over this."  Am I supposed to compete with this guy?  Is that a weird thing you're into?  CROP THAT MOTHERFUCKER OUT

8.  Self-Portraits: RANT TIME Listen up people.  I'm only going to say this once.  Nothing gets my dick softer than a picture of a person taken by that person.  This cultural pandemic has spread through social media at an alarming rate.  Two things: (a) These pictures always look like shit (b) How hard is it to get someone to take a picture of you.  It's fucking Brooklyn for Christ's sakes.  Three out of every five people are photographers.  My pro photographer friend took pictures for me.  I look way better in my photo than I do in real life.  Way better. 

  The iphone/mirror pic is totally creepy and depressing, but its not half as bad as the laptop-built-in-cam- close-up-creep-shot.  Your telling me three things (1) I'm lazy (2) I'm at my computer all the time (3)and my identity is a cyber identity, or avatar, that exists only in internet realms like facebook, myspace, craigslist casual encounters, chat rooms, and pornographic webcam sites.  Not a good look.

9.  Favorite books, movies, music...:  This is the only place on the page where you can really gauge who you're dealing with.  This is tough in Brooklyn and New York, because everybody is so full of shit.  Like I'm gonna believe your favorite movie is some abstract silent era German film and not "When Harry Met Sally".  Be honest here, it doesn't really matter what you like, as long as you're not just doing it to impress somebody you wouldn't relate to anyhow. 

Couldn't find photo of blow job  on internet for #10

10.  On a Typical Friday Night I Am...:  If you answer this with "blowing dudes", you're a perfect match. (Because you're funny, not because you're really blowing dudes.  That wouldn't be cool)


I almost forgot...

11. The My Friends Made Me Do This Stupid OKCupid Thing Person:  This girl is too special for everyone else on the website.  She is different.  She's not like all the other idiots.  Do you know why her friends "made" her do it.  Firstly, she's probably lonely.  Secondly, her friends are tired of her whining about there being no good guys anymore.  That kind of statement is insane if you think about it.  Smarten the fuck up, show a little humility and stop being so goddamn special.

thanks you very much. Boomtown