1. Establish an open dialogue. The NFL has had real problems with accountability and transparency. One step to becoming more open: All “audibles” made by a quarterback must clearly state what play he is going to run, and the first name, last name, and jersey number of the teammate he’s going to give the ball to.
2. Safety first. The NFL must do something to address the alarming number of head injuries and neurological damage suffered by current and former players. That’s why players should wear helmets. But bigger ones, on top of the helmets they already wear.
3. Avoid another “Deflategate.” Balls will be tested by a referee for proper weight and pressure before the start of the game. If a ball is found to be too loose, it will be replaced with a poisonous asp painted brown and white to look like a football.
4. Additional points-after-touchdown options. After a team scores a touchdown, they’ll have the option to kick the ball through the goalposts (1 point), run the ball across the goal line (2 points), or answer a trivia question about a player on the opposing team (45 points).
5. Move in the goalposts. This will make for a higher scoring game because field goals will be easier to make and games more exciting to watch, just to see if players can dodge those goalposts now sitting on each of the 40-yard-lines.
6. Go both ways. Let’s return to the old NFL era of “60 minutemen,” in which players play both offense and defense. And at the same time.
7. More kicks. Field goals can happen at any time, provided the kicker can snatch the ball, set it up on a tee, then run back, kick it, and make it through the uprights without getting tackled.
8. A more fair way to determine who receives. The coin toss is a dumb idea — the team that calls it always opts to receive the ball first. The coin toss should require a coin toss to decide which team gets to call the coin toss, and then that coin toss is decided with Rock, Paper, Scissors.
9. Let “Instant Replay” evolve. Once per half, each team may opt to pause the game to review instant replay footage of a play if it was, just, like, totally awesome.
10. Eliminate useless positions. It’s time to get rid of some player positions that were clearly mistakes. The “cornerback” is obviously just “quarterback”that the rulebook makers heard wrong and wrote down anyway, and “center” isn’t even a football position. It’s a basketball position.
11. The “Fair Touchdown Rule.” A team can nullify another team’s touchdown if its players can turn in a note-perfect performance of “The Super Bowl Shuffle.”
12. Make it important. Teams play only 16 games each season,and so every one of them is important. But do players realize how important they are? They will when every game is called “the Super Bowl.”
13. Determine player fitness. Players must make it clear in writing before the start of each quarter that they are, in fact, ready for some football.