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August 18, 2008


I was in Subway today and asked for extra black olives on my six inch turkey on honey oat. The sandwich artist cherry picked about three more black olives and dropped them into my sandwich. What gives? I asked her again saying, “Oh extra please.” Again she carefully dipped into the black olive bucket and snared about four. They are black olives Subway lady, not fucking opals! I stopped it there because any further persistence would have made it a “thing” and turned me into “that black olive guy.”...even though I am the black olive guy.


Their behavior must be a directive from above. Not Subway itself or Jared, but from the owner of this particular franchise, it's happened there before. Almost any other Subway provides me with a heap of extra black olives, an embarrassment of riches! A king’s ransom so rich it would take me back to the times my mother would buy cans of them just for me to enjoy at the kitchen table. I would gobble black olives as if they were delicious Combos pretzel snacks.


Maybe this was karmic payback for the time I stole an olive at the exotic Whole Foods Olive Bar. I’ve also dipped into bulk food bins to snake out some yogurt covered pretzels.


This chintzy way of making a sandwich is not true artistry. It is corporate greed hindering artistic expression. It is Miramax telling Paul Thomas Anderson that his next film can’t be three hours or the record company telling Led Zep to make Stairway 3 minutes. Don’t hinder the artistic expression of the Sandwich Artist…otherwise stop calling them Sandwich Artists and start calling them cogs in your God damned money machine!


What is it? Are we not only in a gas crisis, but in a black olive crisis. Where do black olives come from? The Middle East? Is this blood for black olives? Are black olives what we refer to as black gold? If this were the case I would tighten my belt and suffer with fewer damn olives. I’m a patriot. I’m not gonna go take a bath in black olives. Not planning on feeding black olives to my dog like some sheik in the United Arab Emirates.


I will continue to go to this Subway because it is walking distance from my apartment…but I will go there wary.