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November 21, 2015

The definitive reasons why everyone's favorite piano playing dog is dead.

Rowlf the Dog, the popular Jim Henson muppet, is almost certainly dead.

This may be a shock, but let’s get the facts straight. Rowlf first appeared as a full grown adult in 1962 in Purina Dog Chow commercials. Using the linear march of time toward the grave, today in 2015 he would be one impossibly old dog.

Even if one assumes Rowlf was somehow 1 year old when he quickly rose to fame and appeared on the Jimmy Dean show in 1963 – that would make Rowlf 53 years old today! That is simply too old for a dog. Rowlf is dead.

The Muppet Babies cartoon show premiered in 1984, depicting Rowlf as a toddler. Think of this reboot as Earth 2 Rowlf. So even if Rowlf was 1 year old at the show’s premiere, he is now 31 in 2015 – still much too old for a dog. The oldest dog on record lived to be 29 years and 5 months of age. His name was Bluey, not Rowlf. He was an Australian cattle dog, not a brown muppet.

I know it hurts, but the sooner you admit that Rowlf is dead, the sooner you’ll be able to get over it.

The Rowlf on the modern iteration of The Muppets is an imposter. This Rowlf runs a bar and doesn’t even play the piano with Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem. Do they think we’re stupid? You can’t just replace one dog with another like we won’t notice, Mom and Dad.

Rowlf is simply dead. There’s no getting around it. Rowlf died and they never told us. They kept it secret. They covered it up. He never got a fancy funeral with a songfrom Big Bird. He never got the recognition he deserves as a beloved puppet dog and TV pitchman. He was never eulogized on television. They just thought we’d forget about him. He will be remembered.

He’s tickling the ivories in doggie heaven now.