Real-life reporter/patriot Rich McCormick from the prestigious online technology company ‘The Verge’ has torn multiple tendons in his rotator cuff in the process of patting himself on the back after publishing his sure-to-be-Pulitzer-nominated piece entitled ‘When your child’s favorite YouTube celebrity is a secret racist.’
Always on the vanguard of journalistic integrity, Mr. McCormick bravely smeared yet another well-known YouTube star for ‘Wrong Think’ crimes after he fired off a hate-filled tweet supporting the ideas of a right-wing Senator opposed to mass immigration.
“Bigoted deviations from the mass media, status quo narrative such as these have no place in decent society,” said a beaming Mr. McCormick in the hospital bed awaiting surgery. “The only people who hold these views are clearly backwards hillbillies who probably are from Florida or something and who haven’t even taken one humanities course. If you want to call me a hero fine but I was only doing my job as a conditioned, paid shill for my MSNBC masters. When I couldn’t pat myself on the back any longer, I resorted to smelling my own farts to achieve the level of self-satisfaction I need to prevent me from turning into a pillar of salt.”