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August 19, 2015

You may think it's cool to not wear a bike helmet. But school's out and jury's in and the verdict is YOU'RE WRONG!

I know what you’re thinking: “Wearing a bike helmet makes me look lame,” “Wearing a bike helmet requires too much effort,” “Bike helmet stupid stupid cool bike lame cool helmet.” In today’s day and age with peer pressure and the internet, it can be tough to find the courage to put on your bike helmet and take your two wheels to the streets in the safest way possible–but I’ve got 10 great reasons why you should:

1. It’s safe! Studies show that you are bunch of percent less likely to end up as a crumpled body with a shattered fucking skull, if you wear a bike helmet while riding your bicycle!

2. It’s fashionable! Make a statement with what sort of head protection you wear. The one sort of statement that you definitely do not want to make is this: “While riding my bicycle on the streets—where there are pedestrians, motorists, and other bicyclists—I totally don’t need to wear a bike helmet because I’m INVULNERABLE and totally won’t EVER shatter my fucking skull!”

3. You’ll feel more confident biking aggressively and in a way that subverts traffic laws knowing that your head won’t end up with a shattered fucking skull!

4. Police officers will be less likely to pull you over for biking aggressively and in a way that subverts traffic laws because not only will you look fashionable—you’ll also look like a do-gooding, law-abiding citizen! (Try having front and rear lights in addition to ample reflective tape for even more law enforcement points!)

5. If you ever get into a fist-fight, rest assured, if anyone ends up with a shattered fucking skull, it won’t be you!

6. You’ll feel morally superior to those around you who don’t wear bike helmets!

6. Your mother wants you to!

7. If you are a daughter, your father wants you to! If you are a son, your father secretly does not want you to because, as was impressed upon him by his father and a legacy of self-destructive masculinity, he believes that risking your life through acts that flagrantly disrespect the indiscriminate violence of nature and physics, is what will ultimately make you successful—but how successful do you think you’ll be with a shattered fucking skull?

8. If you currently do not have parents, then rest assured, your legal guardians, extended family, friends, coworkers, and/or social acquaintances want you to!

9. If you feel that you are lacking any meaningful connections to any human beings whatsoever, then rest assured, motorists want you to as it will greatly decrease the chances of you incurring a fatal or debilitating injury at their hand, which would in-turn cause them to incur severe financial loss and guilt-ridden (no pun intended!) emotional trauma!

10. If you feel that you are lacking any meaningful connections to any human beings whatsoever and find yourself biking in a rare stretch of the earth where motorists are virtually non-existent, yet the infrastructure for biking is still in place, like, say, Chernobyl or Detroit, then rest assured, I want you to–because the last thing I want to encounter while exploring the grass-dappled streets of Chernobyl or the mammoth warehouses of Detroit is your decaying corpse with a shattered fucking skull!