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July 17, 2011

You won't want to miss this awesome deal! This table will change your life!

This solid oak table is a truly lovely addition to any home/dining room. Unlike the "comes from Sweden", easy-to-put-together furniture that all of your friends have/love/rave about, this table is not just some recycled piece of Ikea garbage, but is actual, hand-made, quality stuff, carved by an old man with a face that would make you cry - he's that good!

Furthermore, this thing is not some dinky Chihuahua table - it is fucking enormous and takes charge of any living space like a boss. Want to fit this bad boy through a doorway? Ha! Impossible! This puppy will eat your door frame for lunch and your crown molding for dessert. The table legs refuse to be closed and after hours of trying every possible angle, you'll be amazed that anyone was ever able to get it into a building. SO AWESOME!

Looking for easy-to-grip handholds? Don't bother: there aren't any! In fact, any place that you'd normally think to put your hands is covered by some fantastic, jutting metal, or a nail or some shit! Your best bet for moving this wonder of wonders is to flip it upside down and take it from the bottom. It's at this point that you'll notice another of this table's astounding features! This fine piece of furniture is absolutely the best for slipping out of your hands, landing on your foot, and causing you to say things like "Fuck!" or "Jesus Christ, I hate this piece of shit!"

So stop looking for cheap-and-easy online sales and bring your truck and $700 (cash only!) over to my place (downtown, street parking available, if you can find it). It probably won't fit in the back because of its kick ass awkward shape, but don't even worry about it. I mean, let's be honest - if it gets a little dinged up, it just adds character! And besides, you'll never have enough guests over to make use of it and you'll probably just eat on the couch (See my other ads!).

Thanks! And I hope you enjoy your new (used (VINTAGE!)) table!