In their own way, these tweets are the dinosaurs of today.
I love waking up to the sound of birds arguing with their spouses.— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) August 20, 2016
birds were invented in 1922 by john birds when he made his dog fly and live in a tree— Steve (@WigCannon) January 5, 2016
WIFE: Why are you still in bed?— Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) April 3, 2017
ME: I saw a bird get a worm AT NOON
WIFE: What's that have to do with-
ME: GETTING UP EARLY WAS A LIE
Boss: In this project, let's kill 2 birds with 1 stone. We'll have to—— Courtney Bae-l (@CourtneyBale) April 23, 2016
672 Earthworms In a Trench Coat: [nodding emphatically] Murder birds.
Scientists say that there could be 'a fucken shit ton' of birds on earth. "We can't tell though, cos they're always flying about & shit."— David Hughes (@david8hughes) March 25, 2017
I've tried pills. I've tried meditation. I've tried fitness. Nothing I do seems to stop birds from being loud and illiterate worm murderers.— Michael, still here (@Home_Halfway) April 23, 2016
excuse me do you have a second for charity? great, what we do is build little fighter jets for injured birds of prey so they can continue to— Ceej (@ceejoyner) February 8, 2016
look, i knew the rule about throwing stones when i bought this glass house... but now there's two birds in here so i'm gonna give it a go— demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) June 16, 2016
"Says here ur last job was commanding large birds to steal for u"— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) December 10, 2016
"Why'd u leave"
[dozens of large birds appear behind him]
Karen from accounting thinks I hate all birds because she caught me yelling at a bird but the truth is I only hate one specific bird— several onions (@Amusitr0n) March 16, 2017
Birds with Sexy Names:— Opus Moreschi (@heyitsopus) April 12, 2016
- The Tit
- The Booby
- The Swallow
- The Woodcock
- The Oxpecker
- The Southern Fuckbird.
I falcon love using swear birds— Steven W Skinner (@SkinnerSteven) July 22, 2016
Thinking about big birds origin story. He wasnt born big. Mustve legally changed his name at some point. What the hell name was he born with— jon (@senderblock23) July 12, 2016
Do people who keep birds as pets know about windows— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) February 3, 2016
Sometimes I look up at birds in the sky, soaring so free, and can't help but think, wow, I wish I could have a life span of two years— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) December 10, 2016
For Immediate Release: Uber partners with birds expanding their clientele to animals smaller than birds pic.twitter.com/c2gPJIKHUT— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) March 23, 2016
On the next "Bird Lawyer: Wings of Justice"— Kim Monte (@KimmyMonte) December 28, 2015
*birds just flying around an empty courtroom shitting everywhere trying to find the window*
If you’re looking for an animal that has white diarrhea all the time, look no further than “bird.”— vineyille (@vineyille) April 3, 2017
ANIMAL CONTROL: what the hell were you thinking— great, person (@hippieswordfish) February 19, 2016
ME: releasing birds at a wedding is romantic
ANIMAL CONTROL: you released ostriches
Whenever I see several small birds attacking a larger bird I say a prayer for my kids' teachers.— Kelly Bean (@KellyMeldrum) November 28, 2016
as a kid i couldn't have pet birds because i'd always whisper to them "...now, go be my eyes in the sky!" and release them from their cages— julio torres ~* (@juliothesquare) June 29, 2016
Eavesdropping on drunk veterinarians at this bar:— Hunter Nelson (@tomhunternelson) February 17, 2016
"I hate when it's a bird."
"I can't figure out birds at all!"
"They're too different!"