This week’s tweets already have vomit on their sweater.
ok so eminem paces back and forth rapping about iniquity and he’s a hero but when i do it i’m “disrupting the flow of this bridal shower”— Jen Spyra (@jenspyra) October 11, 2017
Next Sunday Mike & Karen Pence will spend $223 billion taxpayer dollars to fly to the moon for 15 minutes & yodel the N word at an apple pie— rob delaney (@robdelaney) October 9, 2017
I...do not understand how electricity works. pic.twitter.com/rA3zIc70ER— Ray-gore Mortis (@SirEviscerate) October 9, 2017
ME: i put so much pressure on myself to succeed— Jill O'Lantern (@JillianKarger) October 6, 2017
FRIEND: you're eating ice cream in bed
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?— Alien Chucky (@ClichedOut) October 9, 2017
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
I'd be better at jogging if I wasn't always spilling my nachos.— Brother Sal (@delusions_of) October 8, 2017
I don't go out very much because I'm broke, but oh boy, once I'm rich, I'm gonna have to come up with another excuse.— Maria Wojciechowski (@RiaWojo) July 19, 2017
It's called the "mall" because instead of going to one store you're going to "them all" pic.twitter.com/yMJLayKzlw— The Don (@JackedYoTweets) October 8, 2017
If you make sure your phone is off on a flight, you probably still write checks at the grocery store.— Sara Scully (@SaraSScully) October 11, 2017
I sexually identify as a microwave dinner because I’m ready in 5 minutes but don’t look anything like my photos.— The Ether Bunny (@xLiserx) October 7, 2017
Gonna keep applying moisturizer until my body slides off the couch into an alternate universe.— Gret¢hen (@wokkax3) October 12, 2017
I'm so polite that if a magician pulled out the wrong card I'd be like "Haha yeah man that's my card good job."— Shayne Topp (@supershayne) July 20, 2017
Not only does Trader Joe's have great prices, all of their merch fits into "Eleanor Rigby." pic.twitter.com/TjoxbE1dAz— Daniel Spenser (@DanSpenser) October 8, 2017
Please, Mr. Brightside was my father's name, call me a cab while he's having a smoke and she's taking a drag now they're going to bed and my— Mil Lz (@WarrenIsDead) September 8, 2017
*Flicks cigarette* Buddy, think you know oppression? Imagine being a talking peanut forced to sell your dead relatives remains for eternity— Frankenboog (@BoogTweets) October 11, 2017
I pronounce patio like ratio and cry myself to sleep most nights— slaughthie (@slaughthie) October 4, 2017
SECURITY GUARD: You can't bring outside food in here.— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) October 12, 2017
ME: This is a service burrito.
The Earth is the world's largest globe.— Demetri Martin (@DemetriMartin) October 6, 2017
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa pic.twitter.com/lpHNuRGdJy— Joe Saunders (@SaundersJoe) October 5, 2017
small brain - movies— Chai Goth (@Abid_ism) October 11, 2017
big brain - film
glowing brain - cinema
cosmic brain - keanu reeves action movies
My favorite activities are leaving, being done, and skipping stuff— Lauren Lapkus (@laurenlapkus) October 6, 2017
It's okay, little pumpkin. I get scary when I'm lit, too.— Donna Macabre (@Donna_McCoy) October 7, 2017
[speed dating]— Steve vs Ninjas (@stevevsninjas) October 4, 2017
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
It's that time of year again where I remind you all that there's no evidence in the text that the Monster Mash takes place on Halloween. It's just a fun party for monsters that could be in April for all we know.— Chris Schleicher (@cschleichsrun) October 4, 2017
When women sing— Jesse McLaren (@McJesse) October 11, 2017
"They did the Mash"
And then the guy chimes in
"They did the *Monster* Mash"
That's called Wolfmansplaining.
Shitting my pants in the middle of this Wendy’s until they give up their stockpile of promotional Titan A.E. honey mustard.— Stefan Heck (@boring_as_heck) October 8, 2017
Rick & Morty should do an episode about how Rick's second favorite sauce is Universal Healthcare— BANSHEEhan (@ItsDanSheehan) October 9, 2017