Listen up, gossipers! Have you heard the latest scoop on multiverse theory? It’s an interpretation of quantum mechanics that posits an infinite number of universes where all possible alternate histories and futures are real. The multiverse implies dramatic philosophical, scientific, and existential consequences, but more importantly: if multiverse theory is true, here are 8 celebrities you get to be married to in alternate universes!
Do you take Pitbull to be your lawfully wedded husband? ¡Dalé!
The multiverse now pronounces you Mr. and Mrs. Worldwide!
2. Samuel L. Jackson
Heck yes! Somewhere in the multiverse, there’s a universe where you get to be married to the coolest actor of all spacetime, Samuel L. Jackson. In that universe, you and Sammy held a perfect destination wedding inside a Kangol hat. Marriage goals!
3. Marilyn Monroe
Yep, you get to be married to Marilyn Monroe! Multiverse theory predicts the possibility of parallel universes where everything is the same as our universe except for one single thing—in this case, your marriage to Marilyn Monroe. Marilyn died in 1962, so that means you’re married to a corpse. Gross! If multiverse theory is true, that means you’re definitely a necrophiliac too. That’s just science!
4. Mark Ruffalo
Mark Ruffalo is an Academy Award winning actor, in our universe. But in the alternate universe where you’re married to him, he’s not famous at all. He was never able to achieve success as an actor, at least not after marrying you. It all began with an unplanned pregnancy that turned into a shotgun wedding. Mark Ruffalo had to put his acting career on hold and take up a job in telemarketing to help support the new family. According to multiverse theory, you’re married to Mark Ruffalo, and he resents it every day because he blames you for his failed acting career. Thanks, quantum physics!
5. Adam Sandler
Have you ever seen the 2006 movie Click starring Adam Sandler? Well, there’s an alternate universe where the movie is, in fact, reality! Film critics often say that movies are portals into other worlds. Multiverse theory puts those worlds into action. In the universe where Click is real life, you are the character Donna Newman who’s married to Adam Sandler’s character Michael Newman. Good luck being married to a guy who controls the world at the click of a remote!
6. Megan Muñoz
Megan Muñoz isn’t famous in our universe. She’s a sales representative at the Verizon kiosk in the Miller Hill Mall in Duluth, Minnesota. But in the alternate universe where you happen to be married to her—OMG—she’s a mega popstar! She’s famous for her hits like “Oops!…I Did It Again” and “I Kissed A Girl”—two songs coincidentally performed by Britney Spears and Katy Perry in our universe. Please keep in mind, Megan’s success in that universe is completely unrelated to your marriage.
7. Matthew McConaughey
Multiverse theory dictates that there exist infinite versions of you based on an infinite number of atomic combinations. That means there’s an alternate reality where Matthew McConaughey exists in the form of a hickory tree and you’ve manifested as a tree axe. You two lovebirds had an untraditional wedding when a forest dweller used you to cut McConaughey down for winter logs. Hopefully your marriage lasts through the winter!
8. The Dog Who Played Air Bud
A dog is man’s best friend. He’s also your husband—at least in the parallel universe where you’re married to the golden retriever who played Air Bud. The issue is, you’d run into a situation similar to your marriage with Marilyn Monroe. Air Bud passed away in 1998. So if physicists ever prove the multiverse is real, it’d mean you’re a doggy necrophiliac too. Now let’s give a toast to multiverse theory!