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June 22, 2017
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These are three things you should do before you watch Transformers: The Last Knight

Don’t go. Stay home instead.

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This could be you, but you’re fucking stupid.

Just stay home. Don’t go. Look how relaxed you could be watching something you’ve seen a hundred times on Netflix. You might even get laid (refer to reason 2). Can’t get laid after watching Transformer: The Last Knight. I promise.

Try to renegotiate the film you’re going to see.

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Look how sophisticated you look not fucking watching Transformers.

If your fucking dumbass, moronic friend really wants to see the movie and you’re maybe like, “Fuck, again? Really? How many times do I need to be fucked before I learn my lesson?” Maybe try to renegotiate the film you two are about to see.

Apparently, there’s like 4-15 other movies playing at the theatre and you two could literally see anything the fuck else. If your friend insists on Transformers, refer to points 1 or 3.

If you’re on a date and the person wants to see the new Transformers, this generally should be very revealing and concerning, as you might be dating a psychopath and that should be counted as a deal breaker. Refer to reason 1 for better date experience.

Break your own leg.

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This this a man with a broken leg.

The emotional and physical pain you’re going to endure while watching the latest Transformers will literally be worse than anything you might experience in your life, aside from maybe obtaining nutrients from your 60-year old mom’s breast at 32. And, if you’re willingly going to park your ass in the theatre and watch that pile of shit, you might as well as willingly break your own fucking leg. Couple benefits here:

1. Don’t have to watch Transformers: The Fallen Knight.

2. People will take pity and will sign your dope ass cast.

3. Save money on popcorn, money you could be using to pay your medical bills (A much more rewarding experience).

4. Refer to reason 1.

*ProTip: For a clean break, keep it quick and apply the recommended amount of pressure on the bone. Too much pressure and a wonky position could result in the bone breaking into tinier pieces or result in no breakage at all, which could be more or less a “walk it off” scenario if your friend/date is persistent - meaning, you’d still need to see Transformers and your leg is all fucked.

Generally, you should run at full speed, letting one of your legs drop between two fixed objects, like the small gap between your pool and your deck. This usually does the trick.

@bearded_kdb

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