This is one rich teen.

Update: This kid lied about it all! My biggest congratulations go out to him. As it turns out he was scheming all along (see below) and that’s something I respect way more than playing the stock market.

I hate to be a crotchety old man about it, but this New York Magazine feature about a high school student who has earned $72 million playing the stock market has me really clutching my pearls for the state of rock ‘n’ roll music. I don’t know how this kid made that much money because I don’t understand the stock market in any way whatsoever, but what I do understand is teens. They love trends and being cool, and once it becomes cool to play the stock market and make $72 million, they will no longer value the coolness of being in a rock ‘n’ roll band, which has been the high-water mark of cool in high school for at least 60 years now.As far as I’m concerned, high school kids should only be able to make money one of three ways:

1. Selling fake drugs.
2. Scheming.
3. Working at a fast food restaurant where they have to wear a paper hat.

And beyond that, teens should be spending their time trying to get kisses and learning to play guitar. If kids are too busy making $72 million playing the stock market and aren’t spending their time trying to get kisses and learning guitar, they will never figure out how to write really good rock ‘n’ roll music, and the whole music situation in America — dire as it is now (Skrillex) — will go completely to shit.

So have fun reading this story now, folks, because once making $72 million playing the stock market becomes a trend in schools around the country, we won’t have any good music to listen to.