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February 16, 2014

What the figure skating commentators sound like to me

Tim Lorneford along with two-time U.S. Champion Lindsay Fronton and three-time bronze-medalist Arthur "Ham Bone" Rhodes; we'll be bringing you live coverage of the ladies short program in figure skating tonight, which is sure to be chock-full of excitement, surprises, and good ol' fashioned fun. I now welcome my colleagues; Lindsay, Ham Bone...

Lindsay: Pleasure to be here Tim.

Hambone: (Hiccup)...I told 'em you weren't s'posed to call me that—

Tim: Our first skater tonight is Katrina Vulvaskya of The Ukraine. Vulvaskya has been dubbed the Vulvanator by the skating press; she is known for her great—just great competitive spirit.

That's absolutely right, Tim. As one of the night's...h-heartier skaters, she really uses her physicality to intimidate the mostly diminutive competition. We of course know of the incident with teammate Lolana Brabalovieva; Brabalovieva was unable to compete in these games after what team officials called a "misunderstanding" between herself and the Vulvanator.

Vulvanator? They can't possibly—Vulvanator!? Anyway, that sounds like one of the "misunderstandings" I used to have with my ex—

We're going to want to watch—

It's the type of misunderstanding that leaves your balls sore—and not in the good way (hiccup).

—For Katrina's Triple axel/double toe-loop combo, which is coming up right now, it's--oh, she's fallen on her ass.

It's see you later Vulvanator after that fall, wouldn't you agree Lindsay?

Pretty much.

So unfortunate for the young competitor—

At forty-two, she's actually not all that young, Tim...and those boobs are clearly judge candy bought on Uncle Ukraine's dime—these scores will certainly disappoint...with the new scoring system, a 526.99 just isn't going to get it done.

So I was right, it is see you later—

Next up is Iouue Endowa, from The Congo, a country without ice—

I'm not sure they have an ice rink, Tim

That's actually true, Ham Bone; Iouue trained for these games in her home country without the benefit of skates, ice, or a training facility--she practiced spins in the back yard of her coach, Tshimanga Biakabutuka, while battling all variety of jungle cat attack—

Tshimanga Biakabutka, the former NFL running back and Michigan standout?

One in the same.

I notice she is wearing skates tonight, Lindsay.

Yes, Tim, I think it's clear she's wearing skates, (mutters)... she actually picked those up at the Osco down the street before the event.

We're seeing some really beautiful elements here at the opening, Lindsay.

Absolutely, Tim, she seems to be able to express the heritage of her people as well as their struggle, their pride--oh, she's on her ass.

It seems the blades of both skates have snapped like so much crispy pretzel'd bread—this is unfortunate for the talented youngster—

She's not that young, Tim, when you consider most her age are married back in the home country—

What is this horseshit? C'mon! I mean, go big or stay home...really! You come to the show with Osco skates? Honey, please (hiccup).

You've got a point there, Ham Bone.

Look, you really have to stop with that--both of you, my fucking name is—

You got it, Boner...Our next skater, Ilsa Gretzlehansel, is a German skating for the Polish team—

Actually, Tim, after a horrific case of pierogi poisoning, she is the entire Polish contingent—lucky for her, she hates Poland, its people, and all facets of Polish culture, including cuisine, so she avoided the tainted pierogies at the Polish team pre-Olympic mixer.

Dat's not what I heard, Linds--I heard she likes the ol' Polish sausage if you smell what I'm cookin' (hiccup).

You'll notice the interesting music choice, Madonna's "Justify My Love."

Yes, and the well-endowed Gretzlehansel does seem to be working it—most skaters have chosen not to pat suggestively at their genitalia...what's she doing now, Lindsay?

She seems to be tweaking her nipples while performing a half-Standhope into a full Vernwelder—and yes, it appears her nipples are now quite erect.

Impressive (hic).

Actually, the left nipple is a little more taught; the judges will deduct.

Now the music has changed to 2LiveCrew's "Me So Horny,"

A classic, Tim.

And Gretzlehansel is now prostrate on the ice—yes, she's humping the ice and simulating fellatio on her index finger. She really pops that...

Coochie, Tim?

(We interrupt coverage of the Twenty-Second Winter Olympiad for this special report):

Good evening, I am Lolana Duchamps reporting live from Sochi where a spokesperson for President Vladimir Putin has announced that the Russian leader has changed his mind about “the gay” after spending last night with Dennis Rodman and Justin Bieber at a local nightclub and then hashing things out at the Russian equivalent of a Denny’s. We’ll update this breaking story as it develops. 

(We now return to the figure skating competition already in progress):

...We are seeing an amazing performance from twelve-year-old Tina Smith-Heather from Pomona Springs, California. Her whole family is on hand to take part in what's looking like a golden performance

She is the only athlete at the festival that can lift her leg to that height above her head, Tim--a real progidy.



It's amazing how long the youngster can maintain that position...oh...oh my, something has—

This is unfortunate for the American, beginning her menstrual cycle during her first Olympic short program—oh, and she's on her ass, she's slipped in—

Oh God, I'm gonna hork!

Tim, Boner, I just can't imagine what little Tina is going through—God, family, country, and a shitload of filthy Russians watching her become a woman; it has to be heartbreaking—plus, the judges will take some additional deductions; after breaking down in tears, her footwork has really become sloppy.

One has to think her choice of costume wasn't the best considering the circumstances.

I'd have to agree, Tim, white was not ideal.

Lindsay, Lord knows the biology of women is a mystery well beyond a former male figure skater, but is it supposed....

No, Ham Bone, oddly enough it does seem like a pretty heavy flow for a--actually, when you think of it, she's really not that young.

We're going to take a quick break while they Zamboni the ice after...the unfortunateness; here's a word from Alpo's new Power Formula, proud sponsor of the U.S. Women's figure skating team—and, apropos of nothing, we'll hear from Stayfree with wings, which strangely chose to sponsor the men's bobsled team.