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February 22, 2016
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In today’s job market, you have to do everything in your power to distinguish yourself from the crowd of other applicants

Originally published by The Reject Pile

In today’s job market, you have to do everything in your power to distinguish yourself from the crowd of other applicants. (Short of anything illegal, of course – check your local statutes if it feels like a grey area.) Once your lightly fictionalized résumé gets you in the door, it’s time to shine during the all-important interview. Here are ten tips to help you land an offer and seal the deal:

  • Arrive at least forty-five minutes before your scheduled appointment to determine all easily accessible exits in case things go south.
  • Be polite and courteous to everyone you interact with. Even Becky from sales who everyone thinks is a total bitch.
  • Stand out from other candidates by faking some kind of nervous tick or speech impediment.
  • Learn everything you can about the company you’re applying to such as interoffice affairs, embezzlement scandals, questionable accounting practices or human rights violations. Anything you think might be useful for negotiating an extra week of paid vacation.
  • Be sure to schedule any face or neck tattoo appointments far enough in advance that the scabs have time to heal.
  • Refine your active listening skills prior to your interview by pretending to care about what happened at your mom’s book club this week.
  • Mimicking your interviewer’s movements and body language will help establish a subconscious rapport and is in no way creepy, unnatural or borderline sociopathic.
  • Before even stepping inside the building, set clear limits on what you will and won’t do to get the job. Are you prepared to relocate? Take hostages?
  • Many employers will check your social media profiles to get a better sense of the real you. Consider strategically curating everything you post online for months or even years before your interview to present an enhanced picture of how interesting your life is.
  • When asked to talk about your weaknesses, don’t take it personally. Most hiring managers are insecure, sadistic pricks that get off on that kind of thing.

. . .

Enjoy this? Read more humor at The Reject Pile.

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