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March 10, 2012

Some suggestions about how modern day cinema would be improved - with the presence of action star Steven Seagal. Let's get this guy a comeback.



Steven Seagal is being sued by an Arizona man over a raid in which Steven Seagal and some sheriff’s deputies used a SWAT tank and other armored vehicles to bust up an alleged cockfighting ring at his home. This sounds pretty bad ass to me. I hope a million years from now people are still talking about this. “Who was that actor who once used a SWAT tank and other armored vehicles to bust up an alleged cockfighting ring at some guy’s house?” “That was Steven Seagal, duh.”

It would make a pretty cool movie too. I suggest the title “Cock-Block”. Then the tagline could be: “You talk the talk, but are you the cock of the walk? Knock knock, here comes the block. Only in theaters, this Oc(tober).”  

Although, it truly upsets me that Steven Seagal is not in as many movies as he once was. Cinema would be a better place with more of him. He made the 90s a better and simpler place. Plus, he is very handsome. He’s basically a more charming Nicolas Cage, if Nicolas Cage was gaining weight to play the Michelin man in a biopic, who then permanently fused a wet coonskin cap to his skull.

An example of how some current movies could be improved with the presence of 90s giant  and cockfight-breaker-upper Steven Seagal:


MOVIE: Safe House

PROBLEM: A young CIA agent (Van Wilder) is forced to take care of a rogue former agent (Malcolm X).

SEAGAL SOLUTION: Not a bad example of an action flick, but Seagal would’ve done it differently. There is far too much dialogue in this movie. Too much gunplay as well. Steven Seagal wouldn’t have put up with any of the nonsense these characters get dragged through. At his very first encounter with anybody he even remotely figured might have been a bad guy, he would have punched them in the throat, rendering them useless, then dragged them to jail himself. Roll credits.


MOVIE: John Carter

PROBLEM: A man with a normal name leads an abnormal life.

SEAGAL SOLUTION: From what I understand about this movie from the trailer it is about a guy who runs away from things and occasionally gets in sword fights with them. Again, why all the bother with the swords? Punch. Them. In. The. Throat. I don’t care if they are 12 foot tall CGI monsters, they all have throats that could be punched, don’t they?



MOVIE: The Lorax

PROBLEM: Trees fall down if you hit them with an ax.

SEAGAL SOLUTION: One detail that this movie overlooks is, trees can actually grow back if you know the right thing to do. In Steven Seagal’s case he would simply punch each tree really hard in the stump, until the ground vibrated so violently the roots would force a new tree upwards.  


MOVIE: A Thousand Words

PROBLEM: Eddie Murphy only has a thousand words left to find out what matters in his life.

SEAGAL SOLUTION: Not a problem. Fists speak louder than words anyway. If Steven Seagal were to run out of leaves on that metaphorical tree, using his words on cool catchphrases, again... Punch the tree.


MOVIE: Salmon Fishing in the Yemen

PROBLEM: The plot of the movie is also the title of the movie.

SEAGAL SOLUTION: Steven Seagal would travel to the Republic of Yemen, and punch a bunch of salmon in their throats, thus making them easier to fish.


MOVIE: Titanic 3D

PROBLEM: A boat called the Titanic sinks, and in the process, the greatest love story ever told occurs.

SEAGAL SOLUTION: Wait. Wait up. WAIT. This movie is based on real life events. It is offensive to the families of those involved to suggest Steven Seagal could have done anything to prevent a real life tragedy. That is more Mark Wahlberg’s territory. Although, for good measure, Steven Seagal would have punched Rose’s fiancé in the throat, because he was a douche.


MOVIE: The Artist

PROBLEM: A silent movie star wonders if the emergence of talking pictures will make him fade into oblivion.

SEAGAL SOLUTION: Steven Seagal actually had a cameo in the prologue to this movie that was cut. He time travels to the year 1927 and punches everyone in Hollywood really hard in the throat, which is why nobody can talk for most of the movie. The movie is actually about Hollywood finding its voice again, after Steven Seagal has messed with them.


MOVIE: The Vow

PROBLEM: A pretty woman gets in a car accident, and can’t remember who her husband is.

SEAGAL SOLUTION: Steven Seagal is such a gentleman that he would punch himself in the side of the head hard enough to lose his own memory, and he and Rachel McAdams would live out their lives as blissful amnesiacs, together.