Tips on Shaving
by Karl Marx
Tim's steps to the perfect shave:
1. To start, you need the perfect lighting, which in my opinion is no lighting, so get your shaving station about as dark as you can get it. Remember: nothing is darker than closing your eyes, so you can close your eyes. Great!
2. At this point I'd like to indicate that if you are homeless, please put down your bindle. If you are black, I apologize as I do not have any race-specific tips since I've only ever shaved one white guy in my life, and 6 white women, and countless animals at Tim's Discount Spay and Neuter, but that's OK because we're all the same inside and it's what's inside that we'll be shaving.
3. A fine shave involves a good deal of preparation for your skin. First you want to steam your skin by taking a hot shower, buying a designer skin steaming device, or just hanging out over a cooking dinner. If you work in a steamy factory or measure volcanoes, shave after or during work. If you skip the steam, get ready for fucking hell.
4. The next level of skin prep is specific and necessary and moral.
a. Massage in hot vitamin E oil, from neck foreheadwards (prevents facial sag)
b. Splash with hot water (in any direction... experiment for best direction)
c. Repeat steps a. through c. repeatedly (If you are diagnosed OCD, have a clinician assist you in moving to step d. through g.)
d. Apply a high caliber pre-shave lotion, clockwise (Pantene?)
e. For weenies (either the persons or the designated shaving areas) apply topical anesthetic.
f. Massage lightly with satin.
g. Apply aftershave, give your skin an "Got ya!" look.
5. Remember to glance over your shoulder for assassins.
6. Now we are going to work up a lather. It is important to use a badger hair brush. Keep in mind when selecting your personal (or communal) badger hair brush that words like "Authentic" or "genuine" may totally jack up the price. Other acceptable-haired brushes include cougar and ocelot... really anything that can go apeshit when you shave it to make shaving accessories. That's important as you'll find out later. Don't use a toothbrush, damnit, since teeth are not shaved properly.
7. You'll want to begin a lathering session in a lathering dish. This is something you can splurge on because, quite frankly, when have you done anything nice for yourself lately? I mean, you bought all that liquor at Jennifer's wedding (during the ceremony), and bought yourself a breakfast bowl at Caterer's Family Dungeon, but that's less treat-- more suicide. You could use a coffee mug in a pinch, but you got all day to shave so if you have to leave at this step to procure a department store lathering dish, fine.
8. If you are going to the department store, keep your skin wet and hot. Employ whale transporters? Incidentally, staying too hot and wet may make you lather in your jeans.
9. This is not a step.
9. Wet the skin once more, and apply the lather. If the motion of application makes your hips sashay, punch out with your other hand to create an outstanding disco moment. If you are caught in this act, shut the door (homeless people- cardboard flap) and turn on your bathroom car and kill yourself.
10. Select a razor. I have a small team of razors depending on my mood, from one blade disposables/ no lotion strip (self-loathing) to women's razor (confused) to vibrating disposable (wonton). But if you are poor and can only have one, it is best to know what type of metal your skin is made of to match the blade apropos. To do so, many department stores have a skin taster who can help you determine. If you are homebound, they accept skin samples through mail. For example, you may be made of a chalky alloy, in which case ionized steel razor may be adequate (good luck finding that shit).
11. Shave direction is now important. The conventional wisdom says go with the grain but I prefer go with the flow, of blood. Equally important is pressure. This is one of those moments you can prove to everyone else your manliness even though they are likely to never know, but that shouldn't keep you from being manly anyway. Press the razor against your skin with might, as if to shave the whiskers right down to where they start: your trachea. Press like you intend to shave the beard off your soul.
12. If you've gone this far, you are almost shaved up. If you've quit, that is bad. The road to hell was shaved with good intentions. Fear is an important part of shaving, like the fear that makes ocelot hair so awesome when you drag an ocelot, crawly-claw-mad with ocelot fear, into your shave center.
Fear:Shaving :: Panic:Shaving. I fucking rock at comparisons! Repeat as necessary all steps above, even buying new lathering dishes because, quite frankly, you need some more treats.
13. You have likely missed some spots, so cover up with make-up (not for weenies or weenies). In a pinch silly putty will do. For funerals, use serious putty. And maybe, for break-ups, righteous indignation putty.
14. This is the Cool Down. Rinse, dowse with after shave if that's your thing (Is it your thing? Here's a quick, simple quiz to determine: Are you a Jersey scumbag? Are you 13? Are you Hasselhoff? If you answered yes to any or all of the above, apply aftershave liberally.) Then blot with a towel. When drying, always use blotting versus rubbing. Some say blotting prevents over-drying, but this is urban legend. Blotting is an old custom that goes back to the Jewish Torah. Don't be such a ?????... what was good for your father's father's father was good for your father, and is good enough for you, and what about your mother... you're killing your mother... will you please stop dating that goy telemarketer gal and find ya'self a good dental hygienist or something, and would it hurt you to call every once in a while?
15. Get krunk. After a hardy shave, make some noise and shake some things. You earned it Tonto.
I hope you benefited from this highly informative installment. Look for my next installment:
"10 Tooth Brushing Tips the ADA Doesn't Want You to Know About."
“Water Crackers: The White People of Food.”
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