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December 19, 2016

Santa knows milk and is here to break it down for you.

Ho, ho, ho! Hello there, fellow milk enthusiasts, and a happy “holiday” season to you all. That’s right, Santa’s PC now, but we all know what holiday I’m really here for. As you can probably guess, things are quite busy up here in the North Pole right now. We’re pulling late nights at the toy factory to make sure all the little boys and girls get their presents. It’s not an easy job but it’s what I love, and also I’m unhireable since I don’t have a social security number. So, as you can imagine, the stress of Christmas crunch time has been pretty difficult on ‘ol Saint Nick. And there’s no better way to de-stress than to eat your feelings! I’ve been plowing through milk and cookies at such an alarming rate that Mrs. Claus had to take out a small loan to finance my habit.

And here’s the thing, there’s no wrong way to do a cookie. But milk? That’s an art. Look, I know milk. I drink more than you do in an entire lifetime before I even make it across Maine on Christmas Eve. So let me break it down for you.


A full-bodied classic with a rich creamy tone. Sound like anybody you know? No wonder I love the stuff. Sure it wrecks my bowels, but let me worry about that.



Honestly, 2% milk is like most of the people I visit: Mostly nice, but pretty watered down. Here’s a hack, mix some of this with some butter to get some of that richness back.



Look at me. This coat’s like a 4XL. You really think skim milk impresses me? This is just white water and I already drink a ton of water, since I end up eating gallons of snow every Christmas. What! I drive with my mouth open.



Hey, I’m as jolly as they come but this stuff can burn in hell.It’s completely unredeemable. Look, I’m a simple immortal being, is it too much to ask that my milk come from a nipple?



I understand how a reindeer flies. I understand how a fat man slides down a chimney. I don’t think I will ever understand how they get milk out of an almond. But look, I used to think Rudolph was too weird to ever be mainstream…



It’s elk’s milk, if you can believe it. And here I was thinking I was the king of non-traditional uses of the deer family! But, I guess I better give up the crown, or floppy, red hat in this case. As a fellow bearded farmer’s market type and craftsman, I have to respect what they’ve done here. Way to rock the sleigh, folks.